I want a new drug

It is practically decided. I am going to venture on the path to a new look!

Sure I have constantly said that I was going to do something crazy with myself and even if I did, I would change it back pretty quickly because the novelty wore off. NOT THIS TIME! I am bound and determined to grow my hair out to a shiny 'Meg White-esque' length and perhaps incorporate some short bangs. Granted, this growing of the hair will take a year or two but I must maintian my conviction. The minute I get to an ugly phase of the hair growing I give up and chop it all off. NOT THIS TIME! I will deal with it and put it in little clips and laugh about the horrors of getting a new look.

To round out the new hair style I have decided to adopt either a rockabilly sense or just go full-out yuppie. I am currently closer to yuppie than rockabilly but I have hopes that my inner cool person will shine through. I'm always one of the people who have great ideas on how things would look but is too chicken to just do it to and carry it out with the confidence I should have.

I have only lost 50-55 pounds as of today so I must up that number by at least 20 in the coming months. Sad as it is, I have this image of who I will be when I decide to finally graduate college and start a family. Until I have something in place I won't be happy. I'll feel like a failure. Perhaps hard to understand but I have to get there mentally before I can get there physically.

In truth, I have been tempted to pay the ridiculous amount of money that hair extensions cost just to see if my image is worth it. Actually, I would totally pay the money for extensions, I just will never have the will power to save up 500 bucks for hair extensions. I just wouldn't allow it.

Ok, now that I have blogged and blogged about my 'dream' look we will see how long before I either give in to my urges to go off-course or how long it will take to get there. Today is November 28,2006. The countdown starts now.

Let Us Give Thanks.........

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I am still here so that is something....

Jake and I started our long weekend by hanging out with Steve and Joy where we seemed to get on each others nerves by merely breathing. Maybe it is playing any sort of game together. Jake and I just get beyond annoyed with each other when we are competing, even in the minorest of ways-I'm talking Scattegories. Oh well, when we got in the car I asked him what the deal was and then it was over. I am really happy that we don't really 'fight' and can just admit that we were being jerks.

Anyways, Thanksgiving was spent at my grandpas 100+ degree house. Always fun but I must remember to wear a tank top when going there. We had to be sneaky and leave a door open when he wasn't looking. A rather small group was there for dinner, ahem, i mean lunch(1:30???) and then we played a game and talked. It was nice. As we were sitting around bullshitting my uncle looks at me and says(judgingly??) :

"you don't really drink do you?"

This doesn't seem like a loaded question but it is. Well, in my family drinking is not just a sport, it is just what you do. Always. Any situation is appropriate for alcohol. I am not mad about this but this question should reflect the importance of the drink in my family. For someone to notice and comment, in front of everyone? I do actually drink on occasion but can't all the often due to stomach surgeries that I have had. One drink equals like 5 to me and then I go from sober to trashed. No middle ground- nice buzz. Not always fun! I am really thankful for this because I think that alcoholism runs in my family so I am not all that attracted to having a drink attached to my palm at all times. The problem I am pointing out is that this makes me a square in my family. It is also common for them to drink and get quite inebriated and then laugh about how they dont' know how they got home. I really really really dont' find this funny. I find it nauseating. If I try to talk about it say, to my mom, I am treated as ridiculous. It is maddening. It is attitudes like that which make me want to never drink in front of my family just to prove a point. It isn't necessary to have fun.

Now that I have whined about this I am sure I do come off a little edgy but I'd rather be edgy than a drunk. People act like you can have a big sit-down with family members and air your feelings and then hug it out. That shit just isn't realistic for about 99.9% of families that I know. You can almost never explain your worries or concern without causing some sort of family drama. Or you are butting into things that aren't your business.

Well, with all that said, I really want to set forth a new motion-let's spend holidays with people we actually WANT to spend time with! Zany though it is, why do we do this? Why do we sit with people we love but don't exactly like? WHY??? Just to say that the holidays were 'okay' instead of 'WONDERFUL!!" why??? Ok, i got completely off track but that's okay!

salt in the wound

Let me just add this: after the overly generous gift of a mini box of chocolates, I get a memo that we are all to donate money for all the surgeons Christmas present. I can totally see that if I were given a bonus, i'd have no room to argue. I am only going to give the 2.99 that was spent on my box of candy. I know I sounds bratty, but damn, they know I am poor, they are the ones who pay me(in chocolate!)

Shit and Sunshine

Ok, Well, I had a rather topsy-turvy day yesterday.

Actually, it started the night before.....

Two nights ago I was watching T.V. with Jake when I suddenly notice that I am no longer just chewing on the food I put in my mouth. No! I am chewing on pieces of my back molar. Nice. So I take a minute to be thankful for the fact that my dental insurance actually starts the very next day and I try to forget about it.

The next morning I call and get in at the dentist which equates to my having to take a half day at work. Ok-not that terrible, except that I get to the dentist to find out I need a root-canal/crown deal. I have pretty awful teeth so I'm not surprised and just happy I have insurance and won't have to look like white trash with missing teeth. (sorry to anyone who has missing teeth and are offended-but it is justa self-image thing)

During the whole appointment I am just eager to get home because my furniture was delievered in the morning and I can't wait to see it! I had a feeling of foreboding the entire morning but I tried to brush it off as my normal worrying. Well....can you guess? I get home and I notice that they sent the wrong chair. Of course. I try not to cry because I know it will get fixed one day in the distant/near future(its relative) and I have jake call the powers that be to arrange the correction. It will be at least another 8-10 weeks for the correct chair to arrive. Grrr!

At this point I am suffering from a swollen aching cheek/mouth and frustration due to my utter disappointment that my living room will not be the swanky envy-inducing room I had pictured. Ok. Perhaps my pride needs a little reining in.

There were two bright spots in my otherwise dark day. I found out I got a raise...nothing crazy but still enough to make me feel good. My sweet younger brother contributed $100.00 to the grocery fund so I was able to go to Kroger last night and replenish our cupboards for $92.00, so I was happy. (kroger has some awesome deals right now..)

When I got to work today(a half an hour early to help make up my missed dental time) I get a couple of envelopes from my boss. She smiles and tells me that the envelope marked 'confidential' is just that and I should keep it under wraps. I agree and after she walks away I open it and it just states my new pay rate and wishes me a happy holiday from the surgeons I work for. It comes with a mini box of chocolates. Apparently because I wasn't even here for a full 90 days when they wrote it up, I only get a box of chocolates as my bonus this year. Normally if you are an employee that has been here under a year you get a $50.00 gift card and then after a year you get a week's pay. I guess because my 90 day probationary period just ended I only get chocolate.

I kind of feel this is a slap in the face considering that I did just get a raise prior to my 90 day anniversary. So I am a good enough worker to reward with a raise earlier than most people but I also dont' deserve more than chocolates? Yeah, yeah I should be grateful. But I'm not. I'm disappointed that every little victory I achieve comes with a blatant downside!

Ok, "Pity-fest 2006" is over for now! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!(is this me being ironic?)

Wow

The weekend has once again sped by and left me wondering where the hell all the time went. It doesn't seem like we did all that much and then on the other hand it feels like we didn't stop until we hit our pillows.

We had gone over our friends house on Friday evening and hung out with their family. Every time we are with them and their little ones we are reminded of how anxious we are to start our family. Once again on Saturday we had to go to their house for a fundraiser for BAMN and then again on Sunday we were there for their youngest child's birthday party. Needless to say, we pretty much felt like we never left their house all weekend! It was fun and I am sure that Steve and Joy are not eager to have a housefull for a while.

So while the weekend was not entirely restful, the upcoming week shouldn't be too bad. Jake and I only work from Monday to Wednesday. It will be nice to have a long weekend and we don't have that many plans. Just getting our Christmas tree and decorating it are the big plans we are excited for! Saturday night Jake is hanging out with his friends so I will have no excuse to NOT work on my research paper! That is it for my plans this week! Pretty damn nice! I know that a few of our friends wan to go out to a bar on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, but I know right now that we do not have the funds for that. Sure, it doesn't seem like it would be that expensive but it will easily be at least a $50.00 night. We sure don't have the cash for that right now. It isn't like we are so extremely poor that we can never go out, be we are so extremely poor that we can't go out during the holidays! I would rather buy some presents than go out and spend money on drinks.

Our furniture is going to be here on Tuesday morning between 8am and 12pm as long as JC Penny doesn't let me down. I can't believe that I will have a place for people to sit. Several months is a long time to have to share a love seat every single time someone wants to sit down to watch some t.v.

Well, I had had high hopes for this blog but it has turned out to be rather dry and laden with pointless info. Oh well, maybe my next post will be a little more thrilling or at the very least, enjoyable!

I + 1

During any sort of learning process it is known that you should use the input that the learner already knows and teach them something that is just above what they currently know. The theory is called, I + 1....i have learned it in conjunction with Second Language Learning, but I feel that it can be used across the board in regards to learning. That said.......

I am training for my new position today and for the next couple of weeks. Not terribly exciting and the job itself won't be too hard and certainly will not tap into all the knowledge I have hopefully absorbed in my looong college career. While I can tell that the job, once learned, is not difficult, I dont' feel that they are teaching me the new skills in a constructive way at all. It will take me twice as long to learn the programs as opposed to if they used the technique i described above. They should take what I currently do and know and build on that. Not just throw several computer programs at me and expect me to not feel overwhelmed by the amount of steps it takes to complete something pretty damn simple.

This is always where I fear my mouth will hurt my career. I am sorely tempted to explain a better method for these things and show how it could improve things around here. I don't get the impression that training or management tips would be desired or appreciated! Now, I dont' mean this in as negatively a way that it will seem but:IT SUCKS TO FEEL AND BE SMARTER THAN MOST OF YOUR COLLEAGUES AND UPPER MANANGEMENT!! I feel that I should have known that this would be a problem considering that most of the people here are not educated and this is their CAREER. Not a decent job to get them through college or to gain experience.

Ok, now my little blog on learning techniques has turned into a rant on work. Not interesting, not fun so I shall stop!

No Point Really

Well after my trip to Bronners a couple of weeks ago I have been dying to decorate for Christmas which is really unlike me...
So Saturday, instead of doing dishes, I dragged Jake to the basement with me and we brought up the boxes of Christmas decorations. Granted-I do not have my furniture yet or my coffee table but I had to do it. Our place looks even more warm and fuzzy with the Yuletide cheer prevading! I still think I want to buy a couple more things, like a centerpiece for our dining table and coffee table. I'm ridiculous. I'm having a minor shindig at our place in December with all of Jakes Friends and our furniture will be here(!) so I am excited for people to see my home! Again, I don't even recognize myself as I write all this. I normally despise any Christmas talk or decorations until after Thanksgiving but suddenly I am the frickin' ringleader! Ahh!
On a great note, got a suprise phone call on Saturday that said my furniture would be delivered the week of Thanksgiving. Thank God!
On another note-I think I may have had my first migraine yesterday but I'm not sure. I couldn't walk I was so dizzy and just buried my head in my pillow to block out light. Tylenol did not help at all. It could have just been a bad headache. Who knows? Luckily it is gone today and I can go to class and work somewhat efficiently.
*To make everyone gag even further my Christmas cards are all written, addressed, stickered and awaiting the Christmas Stamps I must go buy sometime in the next week or two

Oh Snap!

I have decided that I probably lead one of THE most boring lives ever. Apparently this not-so-startling revelation just occured to me though it should have been obvious for years. Perhaps I knew and wasn't ready to accept my lameness.

Believe it or not, this isn't a whiny post but more of a blatant example of when a blog can be useful i.e., ramblings.

My realization hit me today as I told Jake to take a friend to the Red Wings game instead of me going because I didn't feel like it. Not too odd for most people to have a night where you really would rather stay home. This isn't a rarity for me. I can be really excited about something and then right before decide that I don't really want to go or don't care about it anymore. Like it is too much effort or something. I am sure that I have always been this way but it seems to have gotten even worse lately. When I was younger and in a Sorority I would be famous for suddenly backing out of the various events claiming a stomach ache, cramps, migrane(i've never had one), stress, my parents divorce, etc. Just about any excuse whether true or not was used to get out of things. My friends knew I was lying and they tolerated it but hardly.

As I have said, I still do it today but am trying to be a little smarter about actually committing to things. Then again, I am invited to fewer things by my friends who still go out a lot because they just figure I won't go anyways. Shock almost always shows on their face when I actually show up for something like a bar outing or something beyond a 2 hour committment. It is really the proverbial 'double-edged sword' as it were because I feel so lonely when I am not asked to join in on something and then rue the damn event for taking place when I don't feel like going. Maybe this is why I am afraid to have an actual party at my home. Maybe people will be like me and not want to come last minute and I will be devasted. I absolutely hate this trait. I know that Jake gets exasperated by it too. He will get into something that I talked up for days and then I will cancel.

This isn't to say that I do this every time I make plans (obviously or you'd never see me!) or that when i do cancel that it isn't for a legitimate reason. As I said, I try not to commit to something I think I may bail on. I hate disappointing and hurting my friends. I just feel bad sometimes, like I am a bad person because I don't always want to go to things that most people are exited to do. Perhaps this is seeming especially negative because I am in a lonely, pitiful mood that doesn't lend itself to much more than introspection.

I don't know if some of this comes from some anxiety issues that I have that haven't been dealt with or what. I went and talked with a psychiatrist about my anxiety issues and she wanted to see me 2-3 times a week! Ok, even with insurance who can swing that? So I said goodbye, made an appointment and then called and canceled it a day later. It isn't that I am nervous about going to events that I come to dread, I dont' fear them going wrong, I just plain dont' want to go. I just wonder if the anxiety and this issue are related in some deeper-level way. I'm not too sure.

i think i will

Last night it was decided that Jake and I will go on a mini-holiday in February. Our excursion will be centered around the lovely city of Chicago! We're both really excited to have something to look forward to during those dark boring days of winter. February seems to be the time of winter when everyone starts to suffer from cabin fever so it seems like a good time.

It should prove to be an interesting trip as we have only been on one vacation together before and it was our honeymoon. Neither one of us had been to Mexico before, thus we didn't have any competing opinions about what we should do. We wanted to do everything. Chicago will not be the same, at least not how I forsee it. I think we both may have different ideas of how we like to vacation. My tastes vary but in general I am the type that would like to do it up when I am on vacation because it is supposed to be enjoyable, not stressful. Jake is up for whatever and doesn't mind staying in a seedy hotel or dining at tourist traps the whole time. I do love this about him because he really isn't hard to please and that a good time is almost guaranteed to be had by him. I am the problem. I want to stay at a swanky hotel and dine at swanky upscale restaurants and shop like I have money. It's a sickness, I know. Don't get me wrong, I want to check out a museum and go to a tourist-y dinner but in general I hate looking like a visitor. I had hopes of staying at the 'W' hotel or maybe the Drake but I have decided on the Westin. It is about the same in price as the other two I mentioned but right in the center of the areas i want to be. Namely, the shopping.

I have booked the room and felt that I had to do it now or I wouldn't commit to the trip and then end up being pissed that I never get to go on trips! We are both pretty excited and now February seems pretty far off! It would be fun with some friends too but maybe Jake and I should see how vacationing together actually goes! It should be especially fun because I have been to Chicago many times and slightly know some things to do and he has only been there once about 10 years ago! He is all about going to Mike Ditkas restaurant. See? Easy to please. If we did nothing else there he would be thrilled. Not a bad deal considering he likes to shop with me!

The only decision left is whether we are going to drive or take the train. The train would be nice but then I am in the hands of others. Eh...I have time for that!

REALLY??!!??!!

As I have often stated, I have been anxiously and impatiently waiting for my new couches to come in. I called today because I was supposed to receive a call last week to set up a delivery schedule and I never did. The customer service Rep I talked to today told me that the couches aren't even in yet! That is not what I was told 2 weeks ago! 2 weeks ago they were being shipped to a warehouse near me! Now, they aren't even near the warehouse! I am just a tad frustrated! The rep told me that next week the couches would be shipped and then it would be another 10-14 days for it to be shipped and then I would receive a call!
I JUST WANT MY FURNITURE!!!!
By the time I get anything for people to sit on, I will be moving again! I was talked into ordering couches from JCPenny and not from a pricier place and apparently I am paying for it now with my patience. I would have rather had a really expensive couch with no coffee table or chair. At least I would have had it by now. It should have rung some bells in my head when I had to write 3 different checks to pay for my 3 different things even though I was ordering them and paying for them all in one day!
Ahhhh......

YEA!!!!!

As I was working today the manager from the department that is correlated with our pulls me aside. Let me say that I really like this woman and had mentioned to her that I hoped to work for her at some point. Anyways, she tells me that she told my current manager that she wanted me in her department and now I am promoted(?) to patient accounting and in charge of medical-legal matters in our company. I am trying to make sure I am seeing the big picture, but I think it is a great thing considering that I have only been here for just under three months(my 90 trial period isn't even up) and I am being stolen by another manager! I was a little ballsy and asked if it came with a pay increase and she said it won't happen immediately because she is still fine tuning the details, but it will happen. I didn't want to press and ask how much! The new duties won't start until I have trained my replacement, who hasn't been hired yet, and I am trained up a bit in the new areas. I am so excited but can't call anyone to tell them because I am not sure if it is hush-hush for now....
Another plus-she told me that she wanted me in charge of med-legal(don't entirely know what that is yet) because she you had to be a smart person adn she didn't want some idiot on the phones with the lawyers! It is always nice to hear that your supervisor thinks you are 'not some idiot' so i'm psyched!She also told me that she suspected that I would end up taking over patient accounting...so yeah, I am not trying to brag-which I am, I am just really excited that my hard work is paying off for once! Yea! ok, I am done boasting, sharing, etc!

Yes! Jake and I did make it to Frankenmuth and spent silly amounts of money that we do not have on silly amounts of Christmas Decorations. I know it wasn't smart or responsible of us but it happened and we are excited to decorate! I must say this- what in the world is the purpose of Frankenmuth? I don't get it. Chicken dinners and a Christmas Store?! That is all I have gathered as far as reasons people go to 'Frankenmuth.' These two items could exist without a city or place centered around them. I don't get it. Maybe a Frankenmuth Enthusiast will enlighten me. I think I will just plan on going again in 10 years when I forget how pointless it is! We did have a nice time taking a long ride together and getting to chat and laugh about ridiculous things!

The much hyped 'Swanky Holiday Bash' will most likely not occur this year. We did decide on our long trip that maybe spending hundreds of dollars on liquor that perhaps we are better to just have some friends over for a super casual get together and still be able to buy loved ones Christmas presents. We hope that next year we will have enough foresight to put a little cash aside for the swanky event that won't dip into Christmas funds. It really doesn't need to be that expensive, but when you want to do it up right and it falls before the most expensive holiday of the year-you have to make some choices. Oh well, I still have the hope for an event that will be loved and become an annual tradition, until then, we wait!

Ok, I will have to actually put a more thoughtful post up when I am not so swamped at work! (Man, do I sound grown up!)

Long weekends

For years, well practically since I started working, I have had to work on the weekends. I longed for days of doing whatever it was that other people did on the weekends. When Jake and I got married we both had to work weekends and just dreamt of a time when we could enjoy a couple of days together doing various household and life chores. The time has come with our recently acquired jobs. We both love the fact that we are making more money and have our weekends to ourselves. WAIT A MINUTE! That is the big joke that no one ever lets you in on. While you are toiling away for years longing for a saturday and sunday of sleeping in and doing 'whatever' everyone around you just nods sympathetically and tells you that it sucks having to work on weekends. Well, I am beginning to wonder. On the first few weekends we had together we felt blissful. We went to the farmers market that was held at the end of our street every weekend in the summer. We had no clue because we were normally at work. We felt like we had won some magical prize that was uniquely special to us. We shopped together, did various errands that felt like fun and we even slept in beyond 6:30am. Then it started and hasn't let up since. Every weekend there is a new 'must' go to event that has drained much of the fun out of the weekend. I'm not talking about the little things like birthday parties or showers. Those are fun and something we look forward to. No, I am talking about the 'family gatherings' or the 'help us do this' events that turn a peaceful saturday into a day of dread. Perhaps we should learn to say, "Sorry, can't make it" but then we feel like we are being sneaky jerks!

We haven't skipped out on anything yet without a real, legitimate reason. The time is coming soon where we may just have to put our collective feet down. I'm not talking about shutting ourselves in for the weekend and only emerging to get the mail. I'm moreso talking about telling our parents, "sorry, we have a life and cannot have it revolve around you anymore." Sounds harsh but even though it has been ages since we have left the womb, our dear dear parents feel as though anything we do must not be nearly as important as what they want us to do. Sigh....

Well, next weekend can be a test. I dont' think there are any plans at all on Friday night especially now that Jake has had to drop his friday night class. So right now Friday is clear. Saturday is clear but on Saturday night there is another family obligation that just may find itself on the wrong side of our 'must do' list. Sunday we have a birthday party that we are looking forward to going to and that seems like a big enough plan for the weekend. A birthday party and leaving the rest up to chance. That is my idea of a weekend. Just a hint of structure and the rest is up to us. I am hoping to make this be the plan all weeklong. Normally around Wednesday I start to lose my cool and commit to things before I really think them through and then bemoan my foolish mouth and saying yes when I really mean no. Wait, am I talking about plans anymore?

That said, we'll see if I can't refrain from asking any acquaintance the following question "so what are you doing this weekend?" this always turns into making plans or having to awkwardly lie about what is going on in your own schedule so you don't commit to anything else. Always seems to be an innocent question but it always seems to lead to plans! AHHH!

Ok, I am done with my babbling on plans. I'll see you all this weekend. ;o)

Someone had me a knife

As callous as I sounded in the previous post that I didn't care what I got on my exams as long as I pass, well, evidently I do care because I am bummed. In my class, THEORIES OF SECOND LANGUAGE ACQUISITION, I received a C on my exam....um, not that great. This has caused me to debate even futhur if I want to finish school. I will, of course, because I am so close to being done. I just don't have the energy to care anymore. I pose this question:

Would anyone actually know if i lied about having my degree? DO companies actually check? I doubt it.

No, I will not be a liar, but I want to be.

what kind of person are you?

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract artsy people! Those free spirited artists with great imaginations find you interesting. They are usually interesting themselves, so its not a bad thing, but they CAN be a bit wifty and choose odd goals. If you like life to always be a bit 'different' from the norm, but not too extreme in any one direction, these are the people for you. If you seek logical decision making skills and good money management, you may want to change something in the way you appear. Artsy people are fun for adventure and exploring, so, have fun! (smoking weed helps too)
You attract Yuppies!
You attract geeks!
You attract models!
You attract unstable people!
You attract rednecks!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

hmmm....

Do I need to be restrained?

A few of you may just want to slap me after you read this.
I am thinking of kidnapping my husband and taking him to Bronners Christmas Store in Frankenmuth! I know!!! I can't help it, I feel drawn to Christmas decorations this year. The only way it doesn't happen is if I decide I would rather go to the Birmingham Garage Sale tomorrow with Devon. That sounds like tons of fun too, but for some reason the call of personalized Christmas ornaments keeps beckoning me! Ok, I'm done with the Christmas talk, you can all calm down!
I bought the best thing ever yesterday!!! I know that I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself. I stopped at an antique shop near my house that I have been dying to check out. It is only open from 12 until 5pm wednesday-saturday. Who can fit that in??? Finally I made it after work yesterday and fell in LOVE with a chair I saw there. Normally I would not make such a purchase without considerable debate but I had to have this. Damn! I lost my digital camera and can't take a picture to show it off but I will describe for you all to envy-
It is a sturdy 1960's wooden chair with a woven-type back(forgive my furniture description skills) and it is painted black. The seat is upholstered in this awesome ecru/black leopard print. Now, I am NOT one for flamboyance but this chair is just awesome. It will probably be the only thing in my living room that is outlandish in any way, shape or form. I was/am so excited and I half expected Jake to flip when he realized that I just went and bought a piece of furniture without his opinion BUT with his money! Luckily he loved it and now I want my couches to come in even more because I am dying to have people over to say they love my decor decisions. Even if they don't they must lie because I am sooo in love with them. I will never want to leave my living room.
Okay, as soon as my couches and coffee table come in I will be posting pics because I am proud of my first 'adult' room. It wont look like a 'my very first apartment' living room anymore! Don't get me wrong, some people have awesome first apartments, but when Jake and I had our first place, well, it was pretty sad!
Have a great weekend!

Let it Snow!!

You know, people tend to get mad when it snows a little prematurely but I love it! I can't help it, but come on, we know it most likely won't even build up. It usually just melts when it touches the ground! It is so pretty and reminds me of Christmas. Really, Christmas is my favorite time of the year and not only because of the presents. I think it is because there seems to be so much hope in the air. Sure, that's cheesy and maybe not true. It feels like that to me and if that is something that makes me smile, then so be it!

I really want this Christmas to be special. I don't know why I have such high hopes for this year. Again, not just the gifts! Maybe it is that Jake and I have our own little haven away from the cold and snow. Living in the upper flat just seems cozy to me and I dont know why! No one can see in our place and with the hardwood floors and windows that get frosted it just seems so wonderful. I get a little nervous when I am this excited for something because I tend to build things up so much in my mind that I almost inevitably get disappointed. This year we shouldn't be as broke as years past so we will be able to give gifts to our loved ones and feel that we got something they may like and we are proud to give.

The Swanky Holiday Party that I want to host should be on December 9th, but I better hurry up and start planning. I just dont' want to go so crazy on the party that I cut myself short with present money. Hmmm...I'll have to decide quickly on how I feel about this. Invitations will have to go out shortly!

Well, sorry if comments on the weather and upcoming Holidays sent anyone into a panic but I just can't help but get a little bit of Holiday Cheer. That said, if the girl in the next cubicle decides to play another Christmas SONG today, I may just kill her. That's a little overboard.

WEB MD

Yesterday I had to skate out of work a whole hour and a half early to go to a doctors appointment. The doctor who did my surgery, Dr. Krause, requests that his patients come in for frequent check-ups post-op. At least for the first year. Let me note that the best thing about this doctor is that he looks like Niles Crane from the T.V. show Frasier. I like this man way too much based on this fact. Because of my love for a television character I overlook anything I may not like in my doctor. This may be an issue if he was my primary care doctor but I only really see him for periodic maintenence at this point but I digress....

So I do my thing and get into the little room waiting for him to come in. The assistant weighs me and I have only lost 5 pounds in the last 2-3 months. Not such a great thing considering that I should have only plateaued for maybe a month at most. Ok, whatever, I suck. I tell him I understand that I must get the weight moving again and then he asks me about how often I work out. This is a MAJOR factor in losing weight, as we all know, and I have failed miserably at achieving even a mild routine involving movement. I tell him that I surely do work out almost every day by going on walks and doing Pilates. Um, lies. We both knew I was lying, but frankly, I couldn't be judged even more than I was for not losing weight. I just wasn't in the mood. My laziness has caused me to blatantly lie to a health care provider that only wants me to lose weight. Not such a crime. Blah Blah Blah. Jake found this highly amusing which in turn made me feel not so bad.

To the more interesting part of the appointment-I asked him if he would give me the go-ahead when I was allowed to get pregnant. He looked at me kind of shocked. I thought this was weird considering that I am 25. Prime child-bearing years. He tells me what I already knew-Most people are recommended to wait at least a year and a half after surgery to get pregnant. I knew this but hoped that he would have bumped it up or something. I was stupidly hopeful. Sure, he and I both want me to lose more weight first, but it is a little sad to me that I have to wait until I am 27. A year from now is when I am 'allowed' to get pregant. I guess it isn't that far away but I feel like I am going to be the only person with a baby and everyone else is going to have older kids and, oh i dunno. I am probably just sad because I want a baby now and no other answer would have made me happy, even if I know that it would be better healthwise and financially for us to wait. That said, next fall is going to be all about getting pregnant come hell or highwater.

On another note, two exams next week and an outline with 10(!!) sources for a research paper all due. This means my weekend is going to be spent researching and studying just enough for me to scrape some b's and c's. I don't even care about a's anymore. This 'A' student has given up and just wants to get the fuck out of college. Kind of ridiculous really when you think of the fact that I would like to be a college professor. I swear it though, if I ever do become a professor or T.A., I will always give my students at least one day of no class in the middle of the semester, just to be nice. It is soo easy to get burnt out by November.

Ok, I have been at work for over a half and hour and I should start working.

Second Thoughts

Ummmm, there has been a lot of talk about babies and my wanting one. Considering that two of my closest friends are experiencing motherhood(in different stages) it would seem only natural that I would start pondering my own future as a mother.

It has been no secret at all that I want to be a mom. For as long as I can remember I just wanted to grow up and have babies and be a mom. Of course, even at the wise old age of 8 I knew that was not an appropriate response for todays 'liberated' woman and I would say that I wanted to be a lawyer or politician when asked. The adults would chuckle but at least they thought I was a girl with big plans. It has only been in the last couple of years that I have realized that saying that I want to be a mom and have my days revolve around my family is not such a horrible thing. What better way to prove that I am a success than by raising happy, well rounded children? I really can't think of a better validation of one's life. Now, that said, why do I still tell people that I want to be a College Professor? I suppose that since I will most likely have to work to help support my family, a college professor would be my ideal job. Really though, why don't I just say that I am getting my education for myself and that I hope to not have to use it in a 'professional' capacity at all? I like to think I am proud and comfortable with how I feel but clearly I am still dealing with my own prejudices. A part of me does think that a woman should go out and conquer the world and run major companies and shake things up. Just maybe not this woman. I would be fine just shaking up the PTA or shaking up my family if I were able to homeschool and really make a difference in how my children will see the world.

Such a huge battle in my head about this, probably viewed silly by some because I am not even pregnant yet, but I can't help but think about all of this. Will Jake and I be able to raise our kids how we want to? Meaning-will I be able to stay home and watch my babies or will I have to pay someone to spend those precious times with them? The thought of someone else watching my furture child's first step or listen to their first word just kills me! It is enough for me to rethink having a baby until we can afford for me to stay home. The danger in this is that we may never make that much money. We may never be able to have that option. Do I forgo a family all together? I would hope not. Just how much am I willing to compromise when it comes to me and my family?

Like I said, maybe it seems silly to contemplate such things before I am pregnant. I think it would be silly to not think and plan these things beforehand. Sure, it will all work out, but will it work out in a way that will make most of us happy? That is probably the biggest question I am raising-how much can I leave to chance and then be happy with the results?