Oh Snap!

I have decided that I probably lead one of THE most boring lives ever. Apparently this not-so-startling revelation just occured to me though it should have been obvious for years. Perhaps I knew and wasn't ready to accept my lameness.

Believe it or not, this isn't a whiny post but more of a blatant example of when a blog can be useful i.e., ramblings.

My realization hit me today as I told Jake to take a friend to the Red Wings game instead of me going because I didn't feel like it. Not too odd for most people to have a night where you really would rather stay home. This isn't a rarity for me. I can be really excited about something and then right before decide that I don't really want to go or don't care about it anymore. Like it is too much effort or something. I am sure that I have always been this way but it seems to have gotten even worse lately. When I was younger and in a Sorority I would be famous for suddenly backing out of the various events claiming a stomach ache, cramps, migrane(i've never had one), stress, my parents divorce, etc. Just about any excuse whether true or not was used to get out of things. My friends knew I was lying and they tolerated it but hardly.

As I have said, I still do it today but am trying to be a little smarter about actually committing to things. Then again, I am invited to fewer things by my friends who still go out a lot because they just figure I won't go anyways. Shock almost always shows on their face when I actually show up for something like a bar outing or something beyond a 2 hour committment. It is really the proverbial 'double-edged sword' as it were because I feel so lonely when I am not asked to join in on something and then rue the damn event for taking place when I don't feel like going. Maybe this is why I am afraid to have an actual party at my home. Maybe people will be like me and not want to come last minute and I will be devasted. I absolutely hate this trait. I know that Jake gets exasperated by it too. He will get into something that I talked up for days and then I will cancel.

This isn't to say that I do this every time I make plans (obviously or you'd never see me!) or that when i do cancel that it isn't for a legitimate reason. As I said, I try not to commit to something I think I may bail on. I hate disappointing and hurting my friends. I just feel bad sometimes, like I am a bad person because I don't always want to go to things that most people are exited to do. Perhaps this is seeming especially negative because I am in a lonely, pitiful mood that doesn't lend itself to much more than introspection.

I don't know if some of this comes from some anxiety issues that I have that haven't been dealt with or what. I went and talked with a psychiatrist about my anxiety issues and she wanted to see me 2-3 times a week! Ok, even with insurance who can swing that? So I said goodbye, made an appointment and then called and canceled it a day later. It isn't that I am nervous about going to events that I come to dread, I dont' fear them going wrong, I just plain dont' want to go. I just wonder if the anxiety and this issue are related in some deeper-level way. I'm not too sure.