prose by amanda

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Scream

It seems as though anytime I(and most people) want something, every other person on earth seems to be getting exactly what I want! It is like someone out there is handing out that very thing that I most covet and I just keep missing him. Like the ice cream truck when you were a kid, he was always just a block over, you could hear him-but not get to him. Certainly it is no secret that Jake and I are trying to have a baby. It is also most likely not a secret that I am not a patient person. Well, it has been a good 9-10 months of waiting and I am sick of it.


That is what the world is telling me to do. Relax. If it were simply that easy we would have an entire world of completely chilled people. It would be like living on one giant commune. To be completely truthful-I have not once ever been relaxed. For me, it is one of life's greatest mysteries. I even sleep in a tense position. Oh well. That's me. Problem is, there is nothing worse then people telling you to relax when you are incapable of such a state of being. Even my mother, who calls me the most stressed person on earth, just simply tells me to not think about it. So I am supposed to have sex with my husband and then try my hardest to not think of what I hope for? Um? Crazy. I always find ways to get what I want. Problem is, there is no one to schmooze. No one to bargain with or ask please prettily... Nope. I have to wait. But not think about it when a friend calls and says she is pregnant or when our family asks us when we are having kids. I have to play it off as though I don't want any right now. I think I might cry otherwise.

Today I had a mini-meltdown at work. It was a long time coming and not too shocking. Devon(basically my sister) called to tell me a friend was pregnant. While I should not admit this, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It seriously felt as though all of the air had been squeezed out of me. Was it because this friend was always a sort of 'frenemy'? Was it because I am competitive at heart and I have turned this into a competition in some imaginary race? Or was it because I am just a bratty kid who doesn't want people to have what I don't? I really don't know. All I know is that I had to say very little so I didn't start to cry. Devon then goes on to tell me how our friend wasn't even trying yet and was only off the pill for less than a month, how the friend is worried she isn't ready and wanted to get pregnant in a few months from now. Fuck off. Thats it, I lost it. I rather abruptly told Devon that I was busy and said goodbye. I started crying in my damn cubicle. Ridiculous. I hated myself for being that girl who cries at work.

I called my dear mother for comfort who just told me that I needed to relax and not to take everything so personal. I couldn't even get a damn ounce of sympathy from my own mother. Why should I have to ask my own mom for some frickin' pity? Just a little? I didn't want advice, I didn't want to be told that I was wrong. Just tell me that it sucks and that you feel bad that I am going through this! Fuck! Why is it so wrong to be sad and want some sympathy? I do not normally ask for it! I feel like I am normally the person people go to for advice and a shoulder to cry on. I hope I don't just tell people to relax and make them feel ridiculous for not being able to do so. I dont' care who you are, if you are into something and truly wish for something, you absolutely cannot just fucking forget about it. Give me a break.

I truly don't want people to think that they can't tell me that they are pregnant, I really am happy for them. I am just sad for myself. Can't a girl be both?

It feels so great to write this because I haven't had an outlet to just say all of the 'bad' things I have been thinking. This was not a post looking for sympathy, I was just plain ol' looking to bitch and it feels so good.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Just Don't Call Me Martha...

I guess I have been in a supremely domestic mood as of late. It seems that I must live in one extreme or another. So if I don't cook, we tend to eat take-out. Be it pizza, fast food or carry out from a local restaurant it is not at all prepared by me or my husband. Wait-sometimes I'll pour something to drink. Now, if we are not dining on such enviable fare, I go the complete opposite route and have to cook my meals from scratch. Well... basically. Let's not get ridiculous here, I do take some help from the grocery store. I do not, for example, use fresh tomatoes instead of canned for spaghetti. That is just too much work for someone as lazy as me.

So after a Friday night of pizza, pop and lots of cigarettes I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. I got into the kitchen on Saturday evening and cranked out chili, banana bread and prepped a roast for tonight's dinner. The pop and cigarettes continued but I still felt a little cleansed. Now, today I woke up and got the roast cooking and started work on blueberry pancakes with turkey bacon. (ed note: not so much a fan of the Turkey Bacon...) I then relaxed on the couch and felt the need to make dessert for tonight's dinner because if I make one part of the dinner it tends to inspire me to make more and more. I must confess, our dessert is just some of that 'dirt' pudding you tend to see at picnics and not made from scratch but I did have to make some components and it still is strangely satisfying to know that I have meals aplenty in my kitchen right now.

As much as I abhore the notion of a 'housewife' I would very happily be a well-educated housewife who CHOOSES to stay home if I got this proud feeling after most days. Then again, Jake may not be so quick to do the dishes while I cook or run to the store for an ingredient that I forgot if those were my only tasks while he was working all day. I probably wouldn't find as much joy in doing this if I were to have to do it every day. Or if we had kids and I had to deal with them at the same time.

I suppose I should just enjoy my moments of domestic supremacy and hope that it is fun a few years down the road.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

I'm still around

Well, I am finally writing again but I don't think that there is much new to report. I originally started this blog in the hopes that I wouldn't feel weird about just writing fiction or whatever was on my mind. The problem is, when you know that people are reading your stuff and it is people you know, you can suddenly get self-conscious. I've always wanted to write a book that would perhaps be grouped in the same genre as David Sedaris or perhaps Salinger. As these are my two favorite authors, I feel that I have such a high standard for how I want to write that it scares me into not writing. Unless, of course, you account for those lonely stories tucked away in some now-dampened cardboard storage boxes in our basement. Well, maybe soon. I have been feeling the itch to write again and perhaps this would be a good forum.

My brother Joe has an idea for a book he wants to see written but feels he lacks the skills to put his ideas to paper. He asked if I would write the book using his outlines and plot ideas. I think it sounds like a nice collaboration and look forward to sitting down with him. From what he has told me it is some sort of fantasy/action/hero-esque type plot. I am just excited to help him and hear what he has thought of. Perhaps it will be labeled with the line "as told to." That would be awesome.

In news unrelated to writing, Jake and I are still half-heartedly trying for a baby. I use the term half hearted because with how crazy my lady cycles have been, we don't really know if it is biologically possible at the moment. I never thought I would be a woman that had to worry about getting pregnant. Never. Suddenly I empathize only too well with any mention of a 'gaping hole' in one's life. I get it. I really really wish I didn't. Jake is ever the optimist and one day his outlook is bound to rub off on me, right? Really, I am going through every Pessimists nirvana. What is happening is exactly what I feared would. Just like I warned myself and everyone else.

I had an appointment with my Ob/Gyn but she was so far behind that I had to reschedule or I'd miss my next appointment I had scheduled for that day. The lady behind the little sliding window didn't get that I had to wait until my next scheduled day off to come in because most of us have jobs and cannot just come in when the doctor has an opening. I already had taken the day off for this appointment. Maybe I was glad it was forced to be post-poned. I could have been told that I have problems far more serious than I thought. I guess we'll keep trying and I'll find out more in November, pretty much December when I go back. That's right. The monday after Thanksgiving.

Nothing adds to my frustration like when I am sitting in the doctors office and I see a girl I went to High School with walk in. Granted, I never liked this girl and considered myself more 'popular' than her(meow!), I couldn't help but ask myself why she deserved to be pregnant and I didn't. I knew that she didn't know why I was there but I sure felt like it. It felt like every damn person in the room, with their big round bellys knew that I was there because I am having a problem achieving that big round belly. Well, without the aid of all of my favorites candies and chocolate... I have that type of belly already.

Wow, I guess I choose to only write on this when I am frustrated and need to write things out. I did have dreams of witty, entertaining and quirky entries. I guess I am just not in that place right now. The holidays are coming though, and nothing can put me in a good mood like a holiday, so I am sure things will be so much better shortly! Bye!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Weekend Fun Times?

As it is Memorial Day Weekend, I felt that Jake and I had to get out of the house. While I, for the most part, would be content to chill at home all weekend and do a lot of nothing, I know that Jake enjoys doing stuff. Yesterday we went to Harsen's Island. My grandpa has a cottage up there that I have gone to all my life. My absolute favorite memories involve "the cottage." Although things have been different up there ever since my Grandma passed away last March.

With the ever-present sadness of losing my Grandma and then having to go to the place that reminds me most of her, we left amid a down-pour. I think that should have tipped me off. I knew that if we didn't go my family and mostly my Mom would make me feel like a bad member of the family. So we went and brought Moxie. BAD IDEA. There were a total of 7 dogs up there. That's right. I should have turned right around and got back in the car. For a place that had rarely been host to a four-legged friend, it looked like a freakin' kennel. I guess the new theme in my large family is to have a dog. My mom has 6 brothers and sisters. Each one of the 'sub-families' had a dog. I thought Moxie would be alone...hahaha. She was just attacked and harassed by every dog there and spent the majority of our stay in either my lap or in Jake's lap. Clearly we did not spend the night or even make it a really long stay.

Because Jake and I both took off Tuesday to turn our weekend into a mini-vacay, we had hoped for lots of fun and stuff to do. Then the reality of having no money set in. I was stupid and took a day off last pay period and then Jake got a ticket. Because I opted to not take a paid day off my check was short and then the problem was doubled by the fact that we had to have funds for the ticket. That left us with about $0.00 to have fun with. I knew we had to plan for the whole 'cottage' experience and thus bought lots of food to take up there. Considering that we left due to the doggy day care, we spent a lot of money on food that was never touched by us. I guess we donated to the group who will spend the whole 3 day weekend up there. Nice. Now that I think about it, I had some steaks marinating that sound really good right now, I hope the family enjoy them. ;)

Of course... we could get loads of housework done, but that really isn't what a vacation is all about right? We did indulge and dip into the 'rent' fund and went and saw a matinee of Pirates of the Carribean. It was okay and it felt like a major indulgence. I dont know the last time I went to a movie. Let me just put this out there- movie theaters must find a better system for ensuring that your popcorn is buttered. Putting some butter on the top layer is bullshit. If I am going to pay $100.00 for some popcorn, I want that shit to be buttered and salted to perfection, throughout the ENTIRE bag. That is truly the main reason I go to a movie, the popcorn. It is not nearly as good at home. Okay, now that I sound like a true fatty, I am done.

Maybe tomorrow will bring some excitement. Maybe tomorrow will bring the resolve I need to get cleaning. Maybe tomorrow will bring me the clarity I need to learn how to enjoy a day off and just relax.

Thursday, May 03, 2007


I have been told that I am slightly wishy-washy and prone to changing my mind. I think that should just be noted as an endearing quality. Quirky- if you will.

After the great hullaballoo of making decisions on where to move, Jake and I are now staying put for at least another year. Well, those are the plans this week. After deciding to retire the long-suffering truck Jake drove, we bought a new/used car and have committed to another sizable monthly payment. We are happy to have not so many worries of Jake being stranded somewhere on I-275. However, that payment pretty much negates moving. I think it all happened for a reason.

I really wanted to be out of here asap in case we had a baby soon. I have this deep-rooted issue that I should own a home when I/we have a child. Because that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, I think we should enjoy the fact that we can basically afford where we live and have perks like two new cars. It won't last long, surely.

On a new note...School is done for the summer! No, not for good. I have a while to go it seems. WSU does not offer what I need during it's summer semester so I figure I should just enjoy the summer and no classes. It will be fun in the fall because Jake is going to become a WSU student and if we are lucky our classes will coincide and we can drive together. Maybe he will help me go to class more often. As it is obvious due to how long I have been in school, I don't exactly go to class as often as some professors would deem appropriate. Oddly enough, I think I would love to teach at the University level when I am done one day. I will not enforce an attendance policy, however.

As I type this I realize that I have nothing new or exciting to share. Moxie got a ridiculous haircut that is not really noteworthy and I am dying to see my friends. I feel like I haven't seen anyone and hung out in AGES.... soon I hope.

Monday, April 09, 2007


As I had mentioned in the previous post, we are thinking about moving. There seems to be a lot of that going around right now, but anyways...there is a big decision looming: Do we move out of state? Scary to even think about really but we have thought and thought. Although I doubt that we will make a move like that soon, it is still lurking in the back of my mind.

My favorite, most dear cousin Julie lives in Chicago(she moved during her college years) and has told me why we should move there. We mentioned that we may come and stay with her for a few days in June and perhaps go look at places. Get a feel for the city as an actual HOME. Even typing this makes me nervous. Chicago certainly isn't that far away but it isn't that close either. No hangouts on weeknights with close friends. Nope, we'll have to make some there. Eek!

As I said, this is pure talk and excited speculation but I have more and more come to love the idea of living in Ferndale/possibly Royal Oak. Maybe Ferndale will be the first step. Maybe it will be a final step. I guess that is what makes it so exciting.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Where to?

There has been much talk (mainly on my end) between Jake and I about our next move. Somewhere along the line I have turned into a gypsy and can't seem to find a place that I feel is right for us. Jake doesn't seem to care much about where we move so long as it isn't even further away from his work. It would take a lot of effort to get even farther. His 80 mile a day commute is wearing thin and he is ready to live, at the very least, a smidge closer.

This means that I have pondered and pondered where I would love to live next. We are most likely not going to be in the position to buy a home that we would like, so renting may be the option we must turn to for now. We certainly could buy a home, just not a home that we wouldn't be thinking of selling shortly down the line. That isn't exactly appealing. If we know we are going to be moving soon, why not just rent and make it much easier on ourselves? That said...I have the yearn to own a home and have fun 'home improvement weekends.' You know, trips to the Depot, the list of projects and the sense of accomplishment. I digress....

Barring a handsome raise, we have decided on renting. There I said it, there has been one decision made. We most likely won't move until late August but where to? Ahh...the debate begins. Having lived on the East Side my whole life, I really enjoy knowing where everything is and being able to navigate anywhere I need to go. However, the alluring idea of not knowing the best grocery store and learing the quickest ways around sounds like fun too. A new town for a new start or something like that.

We currently live in Grosse Pointe Park and we love the area. As I dove into house-hunting in a truly 'Amanda' fashion(fall in love with first house I see and want to move, like, yesterday) I began to see some really AWESOME homes in the Grosse Pointe area. Flat out-swanky homes that we can afford to rent? Suddenly my dreams of walking on Kercheval with Starbucks and puppy on leash do not seem so silly. Sure I live in the area now, but I feel like a fraud. These homes are so great, so posh, so 'right' zip-code, so beautiful, so not us. Everything seems great but we are again, very far from Jake's work. This would mean a much higher rent with no less money spent on our enormous gas bill each month. And no fun of discovering a new town. Hmmm....

My next browse will be the Royal Oak, Ferndale, Clawson area. There are so many reasons we want to live in this area. Best friends are super close. it would cut Jake's drive to work almost in half (half the gas money??) and it would be a great area to raise kids. It may sound cheesy but I love the idea of raising our potential children in a really tolerant neighborhood. My kids would grow up seeing men holding hands, women holding hands, men and women holding hands...or hugging...or kissing! It would be a great way to grow up. It would just be how things are. No odd stares(fingers crossed) just a great area to grown up in thinking that it doesn't matter who you love. I'll admit(it is obvious, I'm sure) that this alone is a big draw to me. Never mind the kid aspect. Just living in an area where it is okay to be yourself. This would not be the case 15 miles away in the conservative Grosse Pointe.

There is a Trader Joe's right there on Woodward too...ok, again, this is a minor detail.

Hmmm...are there huge, great areas I am not thinking of? I don't know, but I really want to be sure we make the smart decision and not an impulse decision as we are both apt to do. We did take a somewhat decent time looking for our current home. I think that is only because we didn't see places that we really liked until this one.

Decisions, decisions..they are my friend and foe all at the same time. We have decided one other thing-we are definitely paying movers. Actual movers. At least for the big stuff and if it isn't too expensive, all of the other stuff too. With this nomadic lifestyle, we certainly cannot ask another favor. I would be outed from a potential co-op group before it begins!

On a completely unrelated note-I felt the need to take a pregnancy test and I was cheap and bought the Target Brand. BOTH test that came in the package were duds. Neither of the 'control' windows worked. I can't exactly walk into Target with some used pregnancy tests and demand my money back, but DAMN! I guess it was the fates letting me know that it isn't the time to take another test. Whatever. I want my $7.00 back.