The Scream
It seems as though anytime I(and most people) want something, every other person on earth seems to be getting exactly what I want! It is like someone out there is handing out that very thing that I most covet and I just keep missing him. Like the ice cream truck when you were a kid, he was always just a block over, you could hear him-but not get to him. Certainly it is no secret that Jake and I are trying to have a baby. It is also most likely not a secret that I am not a patient person. Well, it has been a good 9-10 months of waiting and I am sick of it.
RELAX
That is what the world is telling me to do. Relax. If it were simply that easy we would have an entire world of completely chilled people. It would be like living on one giant commune. To be completely truthful-I have not once ever been relaxed. For me, it is one of life's greatest mysteries. I even sleep in a tense position. Oh well. That's me. Problem is, there is nothing worse then people telling you to relax when you are incapable of such a state of being. Even my mother, who calls me the most stressed person on earth, just simply tells me to not think about it. So I am supposed to have sex with my husband and then try my hardest to not think of what I hope for? Um? Crazy. I always find ways to get what I want. Problem is, there is no one to schmooze. No one to bargain with or ask please prettily... Nope. I have to wait. But not think about it when a friend calls and says she is pregnant or when our family asks us when we are having kids. I have to play it off as though I don't want any right now. I think I might cry otherwise.
Today I had a mini-meltdown at work. It was a long time coming and not too shocking. Devon(basically my sister) called to tell me a friend was pregnant. While I should not admit this, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It seriously felt as though all of the air had been squeezed out of me. Was it because this friend was always a sort of 'frenemy'? Was it because I am competitive at heart and I have turned this into a competition in some imaginary race? Or was it because I am just a bratty kid who doesn't want people to have what I don't? I really don't know. All I know is that I had to say very little so I didn't start to cry. Devon then goes on to tell me how our friend wasn't even trying yet and was only off the pill for less than a month, how the friend is worried she isn't ready and wanted to get pregnant in a few months from now. Fuck off. Thats it, I lost it. I rather abruptly told Devon that I was busy and said goodbye. I started crying in my damn cubicle. Ridiculous. I hated myself for being that girl who cries at work.
I called my dear mother for comfort who just told me that I needed to relax and not to take everything so personal. I couldn't even get a damn ounce of sympathy from my own mother. Why should I have to ask my own mom for some frickin' pity? Just a little? I didn't want advice, I didn't want to be told that I was wrong. Just tell me that it sucks and that you feel bad that I am going through this! Fuck! Why is it so wrong to be sad and want some sympathy? I do not normally ask for it! I feel like I am normally the person people go to for advice and a shoulder to cry on. I hope I don't just tell people to relax and make them feel ridiculous for not being able to do so. I dont' care who you are, if you are into something and truly wish for something, you absolutely cannot just fucking forget about it. Give me a break.
I truly don't want people to think that they can't tell me that they are pregnant, I really am happy for them. I am just sad for myself. Can't a girl be both?
It feels so great to write this because I haven't had an outlet to just say all of the 'bad' things I have been thinking. This was not a post looking for sympathy, I was just plain ol' looking to bitch and it feels so good.
posted by Amanda @ 1:32 PM
3 Comments:
This was really heartfelt, and I am proud of you. It is extremely devastating to be trying to get pregnant and have it not work. It doesnt matter if you have no kids, ten kids, married or not--it sucks, and it makes you think of all the time/effort/side effects/money you wasted on all the pills and condoms and shit through your past----then up pop all the people who get pregnant--it is amazing how many people think nothing of telling you how they "didnt even want one" or "they werent really trying", or how they expect you to care about their fears of "getting fat" or "losing sleep"....I have been there. It might seem odd for someone with 4 kids to sympathize, but you know what I shared with you about "trying."
I will never advise someone to RELAX again, it is preposterous, and you have opened my eyes to that more, even if those exact words didnt come out of my mouth, we are more conditioned to try to SOLVE everyones issues than to simply be there and listen. I am sorry that you guys are going through this, and that the "everyone else is coming up preg" thing is happening.
Much hugs,
Joy
Thank you so much for your response. I have never once held you in the category of those other people who aren't compassionate. You have always gotten it and for that I am eternally grateful. Thank you so much for not judging me for this. I love you!
Good god, no, first of all, I do not judge other people's feelings, blogging has changed my life and been so cathartic,,,and it helped that I really, really understand. Ill tell you in person sometime all the freaks who "came up pregnant" when we were trying to create a lil' Casey (twenty months of tests and charts and stress and doctors...)
I took Vitex everyday, the tincture, 2 squirts in a little shot glass of water, and in the secind half of the month, I used progesterone cream--nothing freaky, you rub it on your arms and chest. It "worked" that very first month. There are no guarantees, and of course, you still have to "do the deed" near or on the right time of the cycle...but I firmly believe these natural supplements kick started my body into whatever little imbalance it was in.
Sorry to get all private/medical on your blog but I really dont think anyone will be offended.
There are "TTC" websites out there but they might really trip you out over the brink of anxiety and obsession. But there is alot of nit picky little info out there, if u need, just contact me and i can send ya some stuff...if not, my advice is not RELAX but do try some natural stuff before you get into the big medical stuff. I have had close friends who got into the shots and stuff and it is verrrrrry life consuming painful and expensive as hell. Ok, 'nuff for now...love me
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