How Do I Title This One?

I have been thinking of so many different topics to write on lately. I get excited and decide on a topic and then I lose interest about as quickly as I thought of the idea. First it was about how you go through cycles of friends and if you are lucky--a few are constant throughout those cycles. Next it was a blog about cooking and how I would really like to one-day be a caterer/party planner. You know, a classy one. Then I thought of the usual: Amanda's stream of thoughts rolled into one snazzy title.

I am going to bet you will figure out which one I am going with....
(Just as a warning to anyone who does not wish to read the tiresome mainstay of my blog self-introspection you may want to stop reading now....)

Jake is out tonight at our friends house for a hang-out with some of 'the guys.' I knew he was going all week, yet today I was really bitter about it. Even as I was all sad and mad about it, I knew that I was being silly and tried to snap out of it. Well, I at least snapped out of it enough to not make him feel bad about going. He should go out, he, as we all do, needs to get out!

Once the door shut I found myself crying. To be honest, before the door even shut, I was crying. I was officially one of the girls that I just abhore. Why was I crying, you ask? I wish I could tell you.

I lied, I think I can tell you. Some of this crying stuff is most likely from the realization that I have far fewer friends than I used to. Now, I have much more quality in the great friends I do have, but I have far fewer friends. This means far fewer people to call and chat with, far fewer people to go out with, far fewer people to invite to parties I want to host. I know that this happens inevitably when you get older, the quality goes up/the number goes down. Sadly, I wasn't as prepared for this as I thought. I find myself feeling embarassed by the fact that I really couldn't fill a whole room with friends. Do I really need these random friends? Doubtful, but hard to adjust to when you leave a sorority that supplied countless friends to call on a whim when you were in the mood to go out. I could gather a group of 10 in maybe two/three calls. Okay, obviously if these were great friends, I wouldn't be whining now...they'd be around. So yeah, I guess no real loss.

The funny part in all of this, as mentioned in prior posts, I do not live to go out or hang out with people. I guess I just liked the options and feeling 'popular' or well-liked or something. I guess it felt good that people wanted to be in my company often. That probably sounds really vain, but hey, this is my blog.

Now back to the original problem with tonight's events. Jake left, I, who only have TWO great/bestest friends that I go out with on a regular basis, were busy. (Totally understandable!) and I was sitting at home thinking about how they were busy/tired/unavailable because they have families. This was not the only reason that they could not go out, mind you, but this is what I do to myself. I tell myself it is because they have families and I dont' understand. They have never, not once, made me feel like that through their actions...it is all in my head. Now, this point isn't to make my two buddies feel bad. It is to make the point that I am making this divide in my life now. People who have families and those who don't. Only- I am not making this divide as a person who doesn't want kids or as a single person who is anti a 'family' lifestyle. I know that I make this distinction because I am so sadly longing for one. That sounds so pathetic as I read it back. However, I am not taking thoughts out of this evening's blog. This is just an outlet for me to kind of sort out my thoughts.

Another question that this whole scenario brings up is that I have many friends/acquaintances that I would love to start more of a friendship with, yet feel really embarassed about pursuing. I feel like that awkward kid on the playground. You never want to hear.."I'm busy" or "Yes! I'll call you" and you don't hear from them because it is weird/awkward for them. Being an adult SUCKS in this regard. Making friends can be so weird and you never want to seem eager or pathetic to this potential friend.

Clearly these are all of my insecurities that I project onto my potential friends. Clearly I am just having a bad night and probably shouldn't be writing down all of thoughts for people to read. Clearly I don't particularly care at this moment.

This could be mortifying when I read it back, but I won't delete it...because now I am no longer sad and weird and I feel silly that I was in the first place. I think the purpose of this blog has been fulfilled. It was the much needed outlet I needed. So thanks blog.