Second Thoughts

Ummmm, there has been a lot of talk about babies and my wanting one. Considering that two of my closest friends are experiencing motherhood(in different stages) it would seem only natural that I would start pondering my own future as a mother.

It has been no secret at all that I want to be a mom. For as long as I can remember I just wanted to grow up and have babies and be a mom. Of course, even at the wise old age of 8 I knew that was not an appropriate response for todays 'liberated' woman and I would say that I wanted to be a lawyer or politician when asked. The adults would chuckle but at least they thought I was a girl with big plans. It has only been in the last couple of years that I have realized that saying that I want to be a mom and have my days revolve around my family is not such a horrible thing. What better way to prove that I am a success than by raising happy, well rounded children? I really can't think of a better validation of one's life. Now, that said, why do I still tell people that I want to be a College Professor? I suppose that since I will most likely have to work to help support my family, a college professor would be my ideal job. Really though, why don't I just say that I am getting my education for myself and that I hope to not have to use it in a 'professional' capacity at all? I like to think I am proud and comfortable with how I feel but clearly I am still dealing with my own prejudices. A part of me does think that a woman should go out and conquer the world and run major companies and shake things up. Just maybe not this woman. I would be fine just shaking up the PTA or shaking up my family if I were able to homeschool and really make a difference in how my children will see the world.

Such a huge battle in my head about this, probably viewed silly by some because I am not even pregnant yet, but I can't help but think about all of this. Will Jake and I be able to raise our kids how we want to? Meaning-will I be able to stay home and watch my babies or will I have to pay someone to spend those precious times with them? The thought of someone else watching my furture child's first step or listen to their first word just kills me! It is enough for me to rethink having a baby until we can afford for me to stay home. The danger in this is that we may never make that much money. We may never be able to have that option. Do I forgo a family all together? I would hope not. Just how much am I willing to compromise when it comes to me and my family?

Like I said, maybe it seems silly to contemplate such things before I am pregnant. I think it would be silly to not think and plan these things beforehand. Sure, it will all work out, but will it work out in a way that will make most of us happy? That is probably the biggest question I am raising-how much can I leave to chance and then be happy with the results?