oh i don't know...

Well, the birth of baby Jack has occurred and let me just say this: I'm not so sure.

Does this sound cold? I dont' think so. I definitely think he is gorgeous but I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Maybe it is my own desire to be a mom and thus I can't be as excited for others. I don't know. I'm not jealous of Devon, I really happy that everything worked out okay. Eh...whatever. Maybe I'm just tired.

I just can't figure out why I was so crazy excited for her to be pregnant and now I'm just blah. I think I am just sad for myself. There is nothing worse than a self-pitier and I therefore promise to stop it immediately after this post.;)

Looking forward to the new year and what it will bring. There are many possibilities. Perhaps a degree from WSU finally? Perhaps a little baby of our own? Perhaps pay raises and a new place to call home? Who knows! It's exciting to think of all the major changes that could happen sometime soon.

I think I'll just stop writing because I feel as though this is going to turn into my saddened lust for a baby and no one really wants to read about that and then no one will read my future blogs for fear that they too will be whining. No good. I'll say good bye for now and promise an exciting and thoroughly silly post that you all have come to expect from Amanda. Until then, Happy New Year!

wha???

Apparently, before I even start the new position I was promoted to, I am being moved again into a new job title. I hear that the doctors I work for want to restructure our department. Fine by me, as it sounds as though the new job I will have will be far better than just helping patients with their billing problems all day. I really wasn't looking forward to that and now I don't have to dread it!

With only 4 days until Christmas I find myself being sad that it will all be over so soon. I really have enjoyed the Christmas season this year. Everything involved makes me feel happy;the cookies, the songs, the shopping(especially the shopping), the look on someone's face when they open the gift you picked out just for them, the anticipation of Santa Claus by all the kids, etc. It is just a fun, magical time that too many people brush off as a nuisance. It really is only a nuisance if you don't at least try to sit back and enjoy it just a little. It is truly the one time of the year that you can do things and just say,"it's Christmas, don't worry about it." People get funny when you want to do nice things for them, but if you do it at Christmastime, its okay.

Today I passed out cards to everyone in the office and it seemed as though I was just the sweetest person ever. Really? I didn't take a lot of time to do this and just thought that everyone would make a little effort. I guess I am crazy. Oh well, hopefully I made some lonely soul in a cubicle smile. That would make it all the more worth it.

On another note, we watched our friends kids last night so that they could go do some shopping together. It was a blast hanging out with the kids. They are always hilarious when they don't try to be. In particular, their 3 year old informed me that if you are bad for Christmas you get coal AND poop in your stocking. Maybe he should be scolded for saying that, but why? It really is funny. Plus, if you're bad, poop wouldn't be such a bad idea for a gift. Anyways, my maternal yearnings kicked into overdrive when he tripped and fell and was crying and just wanted me to hold him until he felt better. At first I had this weird fear that I was wrong to pick him up but then he didn't want to sit on the couch next to me, he wanted sit on my lap and just rest his head against me. Needless to say, I just about died. The supposed 'bad' kid(who isn't near bad at all) was all cuddly. Maybe I'm not the best babysitter ever because these kids are so great that I really couldn't be a real enforcer of rules if I wanted to. Maybe if they were bad but they're not. So, we all raged until about 10 pm when mom and dad got home. I let them deal with bedtime. I'd rather the kids think that when Jake and I are there, it is fun times.

Ok, I've rambled on and on about tidbits of my life, so next time I will perhaps put together a more organized blog. Unless Devon has her baby, then it will just be a meandering journey of me gushing. Or being revolted at what I saw in the delivery room. We'll see.

As I was driving to work today I began thinking about music. Well, moreso, lyrics to music that I just adore. Specific songs aside, the main thing I was thinking about is how once I become in love with a song I feel that it is 'mine.' Surely other people feel the same way as I do when they come to love a particular song.

Now, I'm not saying that every song I like is treated with such regard. Just those few songs that actually seem like they were written about you. Every time I feel this way about a song and then someone else mentions that they too like the song, inside I scoff at them. They couldn't possibly 'get' that song like I do. They don't appreciate all of the subtle nuances of the song, they don't have mental versions of how the music video should have been/could have been made, they don't actually feel the song.

To feel this way about a song, I don't think you need to know all the chords played or even the exact words necessarily. Sure those details would possibly increase the knowledge about the song, but not love.

Maybe loving music is a lot more similar to loving people than some would think. You may not like what the artist or music stands for but you can't help but love it.

Ok, I'm done trying to explain my deep love for the song "Physical" by Olivia Newton John. I'm sure you all understand. ;)

Are they watching?

During our work meeting today we were informed that our internet perusing is/could be monitored. I am not particularly concerned due to the fact that they mentioned 'myspace' as a problem. I canceled my profile on myspace quite some time ago, months, in fact. I should be safe checking my email and reading blogs.

On another note, it hasn't even been a month but I am proud to say that I have not been tempted to cut my hair. Although...today at work a lady looked at me and asked,"got a haircut?" Needless to say, I was crushed because I haven't gotten in cut in a few months and I am trying to grow it. Nothing worse than being told that your hair looks shorter when you are trying to grow it. For those of you that dont' understand, I envy and possibly hate you. ;)

We did have our little holiday gathering this past weekend and it went great, or so I was told. I will probably never be convinced that a party I throw is a success because I am such a harsh critic of myself. Anyways, our friends were awesome and brought us alcohol and made the party great. They ooh'd and ahh'd over the right things that made me feel good about my home and they didn't get the slightest bit upset when my vodka and tonic loving husband passed our rather early. Great great friends and we are lucky!

The true test of any party is having another one and seeing if people come to that one! Then again, everyone that went to our wedding said it was one of the best and I certainly couldn't see that because I was too busy 'hello-and-goodbye-ing' our guests. I'll take everyones word that is rocked. It makes me feel good.

To make this post that much more rambling let me just add that I have only two finals left and actually met people downtown today for a mini-study session. I was only there for an hour or so but it was more than I would have done if I got home right after work! I really should get an 'A' in this class and if I don't it would only be out of pure laziness. One day(raising my fist in the air) I WILL graduate from WSU. (....and then I will continue on towards my masters for the next 20 years....)

Christmas is only 14 days away and I have been racking my brain to think of the ultimate special gift for Jake. I can think of creative 'perfect' gifts for absolutely everyone else. Seriously, even if I don't know the person that well, I could think of a seemingly 'perfect Christmas wish gift.' Just not for husband. Hmmm..... He has mentioned things or I have mentioned things but then it isn't the Christmas miracle of gifts. Even if I dont' get it this year, I will be thinking year-round so that one day I can present him with the perfect present. I believe that I tend to be over-wrought with gift buying anxiety because in the past when I have felt that I have given a really well-thought gift it has turned out to be a dud. I'm not referring to Jake, mind you. He is the perfect recipiant of any gift. He claims it to be the best and tells everyone about it. Exactly what you would ask for in a receiver of a Christmas gift. I still think that I haven't captured the actual dream for him though. One day!

No other news really. Devon is due in 15 days and I am already on edge to get the phone call! Aunt Amanda will be in overdrive the minute I get the call. I have been a little aunt-ish with the Leach kids and would be moreso if I wasn't afraid I would over do it and freak them out! Jack will have it from the start and won't know that his aunt is crazy until he is old enough to chat with friends!

Ok the meandering and sometimes witty(i hope) blog is done! Let me just pray that they dont' take my internet away at work or I will surely die of boredom.

Under Pressure

Though it is common knowledge and no one that knows me is ever shocked to hear me say it-I must! I am SUPER STRESSED right now. Yes-yes I am always stressed. It is just moreso right now.

Christmas is looming and I felt pretty confident that I would be able to wrangle some extra cash to get gifts for everyone that I should. Not everyone that I want to because that list would be uber-long. Anyways, as Jake and I both got paid yesterday I tried to budget everything out and plan what we would spend on the party this weekend and such. Jake knows how much I stress and understands that I must plan out where each dollar will go so I can sleep a little easier.

This morning he sent me into near a panic when he tells me that he took out an extra 20 from our joint account. This was not planned for and not in my budgeting. He certainly could have a 20 for whatever but he needed to let me know first! I need to know where it is coming out of and adjust accordingly. It isn't that I am a control freak as much as I am a worrier. Jake is a 'fake' worrier. By this I mean that he worries but doesn't really get why I need to plan alleviate worry. Real worriers would understand this. Plans are the world to worriers.

It has been a long-running joke with my old and dear friends that I can NOT just go with the flow. I really wish I could but it is just not possible. Going out with anyone must involve a time, gameplan and estimated wrap up time in my mind. This isn't a particularly fun way to live but again, it helps me feel a little calmer. While I dont have to eat dinner at exactly 6 or anything OCD like that, I can see that I must start being a little adventurous.

Certainly when I have kids I will have to learn to go with the flow because you can't control everything a baby or child does to the degree that I like to plan out my day. Plus, I really hate being that kind of friend, therefore I know that I definitely don't want to be that kind of mom. I already am that kind of wife but am getting better at explaining to Jake that I am trying. I am trying to not be all weird and thrown into a tailspin by random deviations from 'the plan.'

Maybe Ironically, if I want to be all 'spontaneous' and just have unplanned fun I have to know that 'Saturday will be unplanned.' So you see? My unplanned days or nights turn into vague plans of being unplanned.

Do I need help or is this not an entirely horrible quality? I suppose that isn't something anyone else can really answer for me. It definitely comes in handy at times. I don't forget about plans that often, I don't mismanage time and run late pretty much never. I can get my work done super timely because I plan out how much time everything should take and then pad it a little so I can feel relaxed when I am done early.

Time to go-the next item on my list for the day is about to commence.

Happy Weekend!

So the wonderful world of work is finally making me want to bash my head on my desk. Perhaps it is just my anxiousness for the weekend but I seriously can NOT work today.
I have written emails, blogged, made personal phone calls, looked for places to move(in a year?), read about celebrity gossip and read the news online. Intermittantly I have worked on various things. I seem to already be able to do all the work that is expected of me and still do mostly nothing allday. It may sound like a dream job to some people but when you do nothing all day it makes your days seem very very long.
The problem is that when I have nothing to do or the urge to do nothing, my mind starts going into overdrive. I think of how I need a house or how I need to go grocery shopping or how I need to get Christmas stuff finished or how I need to..... Notice the pattern? When I am bored and long for work to be over it also tends to mess with my sleep at night. Maybe because my mind isn't stimulated during the day so it isn't tired or something. I'm not sure.
Today has probably been worse because I know that I have class tonight so that means a long evening too. Well, that and the fact that Jake is at home sick. I therefore want to be home too.
Chemistry exam tomorrow and then just two more finals and I am done with the semester. I'm embarassed to type that as I should have been done with school some time ago and I feel a little old to be talking about semesters and finals. Oh well. Better finish than be embarassed when I tell everyone that I am a medical biller and NOT in school. That would be way worse. Not that there is anything wrong with being a medical biller. IT isn't for me is all. Not enough respect and not enough money. The two things I feel are the most valuable in a job.

Ok, I have put off working for far long enough. Actually, I'm going to go check my email and see if anything is new in celebrity gossip.

ho ho ho?

As I have blogged and blogged about, I have been supremely excited for the holiday season to approach. Although I have touted the joys of the season I find myself faltering. It really shouldn't be about money but I find that when you have very little, it does tend to dampen some spirits. It isn't that I want much money for myself, it is that I would really like to buy some nice gifts for people and I can't.
Yeah, yeah, it is always said to 'make a gift' and that 'homemade gifts are the best.' Well, if I was super crafty or a really great baker I could probably come up with some cool homemade gifts. Because I am not, anything homemade from me would tend to look a little more 'I'm poor and threw something together.' Damn those crafty people!
I'm not really whining. I should be able to buy gifts for all the people on my list, just not the gifts I would like to buy. I would love to get Jake something that he really really wants and I never manage to think ahead and save money for it. It really bothers me. I just want there to be one Christmas where I can go a little crazy and he can be shocked and happy to see what I got him and he didn't know. He never really got spoiled as a child and while spoiling isn't necessary, it would be nice to spoil him just once. As it stands, he will most likely get a couple of gifts that aren't particularly special but something for him to open. I am thinking of a couple of ways to scrounge up a few more bucks on the sly for his gifts. We'll see how it goes but the best gift of all would be seeing his face look compeletely baffled by the fact that I was able to get him things that he didn't expect or couldn't figure out where I got the money. It would be great.
Just writing about this is helping with my Christmas spirit a little. Maybe I will go and pop in a Christmas movie such as Christmas Vacation and drink some egg nog. That should cheer me or at least make me laugh.