How Do I Title This One?

I have been thinking of so many different topics to write on lately. I get excited and decide on a topic and then I lose interest about as quickly as I thought of the idea. First it was about how you go through cycles of friends and if you are lucky--a few are constant throughout those cycles. Next it was a blog about cooking and how I would really like to one-day be a caterer/party planner. You know, a classy one. Then I thought of the usual: Amanda's stream of thoughts rolled into one snazzy title.

I am going to bet you will figure out which one I am going with....
(Just as a warning to anyone who does not wish to read the tiresome mainstay of my blog self-introspection you may want to stop reading now....)

Jake is out tonight at our friends house for a hang-out with some of 'the guys.' I knew he was going all week, yet today I was really bitter about it. Even as I was all sad and mad about it, I knew that I was being silly and tried to snap out of it. Well, I at least snapped out of it enough to not make him feel bad about going. He should go out, he, as we all do, needs to get out!

Once the door shut I found myself crying. To be honest, before the door even shut, I was crying. I was officially one of the girls that I just abhore. Why was I crying, you ask? I wish I could tell you.

I lied, I think I can tell you. Some of this crying stuff is most likely from the realization that I have far fewer friends than I used to. Now, I have much more quality in the great friends I do have, but I have far fewer friends. This means far fewer people to call and chat with, far fewer people to go out with, far fewer people to invite to parties I want to host. I know that this happens inevitably when you get older, the quality goes up/the number goes down. Sadly, I wasn't as prepared for this as I thought. I find myself feeling embarassed by the fact that I really couldn't fill a whole room with friends. Do I really need these random friends? Doubtful, but hard to adjust to when you leave a sorority that supplied countless friends to call on a whim when you were in the mood to go out. I could gather a group of 10 in maybe two/three calls. Okay, obviously if these were great friends, I wouldn't be whining now...they'd be around. So yeah, I guess no real loss.

The funny part in all of this, as mentioned in prior posts, I do not live to go out or hang out with people. I guess I just liked the options and feeling 'popular' or well-liked or something. I guess it felt good that people wanted to be in my company often. That probably sounds really vain, but hey, this is my blog.

Now back to the original problem with tonight's events. Jake left, I, who only have TWO great/bestest friends that I go out with on a regular basis, were busy. (Totally understandable!) and I was sitting at home thinking about how they were busy/tired/unavailable because they have families. This was not the only reason that they could not go out, mind you, but this is what I do to myself. I tell myself it is because they have families and I dont' understand. They have never, not once, made me feel like that through their actions...it is all in my head. Now, this point isn't to make my two buddies feel bad. It is to make the point that I am making this divide in my life now. People who have families and those who don't. Only- I am not making this divide as a person who doesn't want kids or as a single person who is anti a 'family' lifestyle. I know that I make this distinction because I am so sadly longing for one. That sounds so pathetic as I read it back. However, I am not taking thoughts out of this evening's blog. This is just an outlet for me to kind of sort out my thoughts.

Another question that this whole scenario brings up is that I have many friends/acquaintances that I would love to start more of a friendship with, yet feel really embarassed about pursuing. I feel like that awkward kid on the playground. You never want to hear.."I'm busy" or "Yes! I'll call you" and you don't hear from them because it is weird/awkward for them. Being an adult SUCKS in this regard. Making friends can be so weird and you never want to seem eager or pathetic to this potential friend.

Clearly these are all of my insecurities that I project onto my potential friends. Clearly I am just having a bad night and probably shouldn't be writing down all of thoughts for people to read. Clearly I don't particularly care at this moment.

This could be mortifying when I read it back, but I won't delete it...because now I am no longer sad and weird and I feel silly that I was in the first place. I think the purpose of this blog has been fulfilled. It was the much needed outlet I needed. So thanks blog.

dashed dreams

Damn! After not working for 1 1/2 days, due to back pains, I felt really rejuvenated and thought about making cookies. Well, I made the batter, mixed, beat, gradually stirred in, painstakingly set the oven to 375 and then this...

"sniff...sniff..."

...i continue to read blogs....

"sniff...sniff..."

"OH Shit...I left the cookies in the F------ OVEN!"

Yes, my friends, I charred the first batch. As we all know, the minute you smell them burning, it is too late. I am so sad and am currently waiting to see how my second batch turns out. I don't normally forget things of this nature, but my mind was enthralled by all of YOUR blogs! You see, I enjoy them so much that I suddenly lose track of time and forget what I am supposed to be worrying about. I suppose it is your fault. Due to this imposition on my life, you will not be offered cookies from the batch that turns out. Nope, you will be allowed cookies from the burnt batch!

Come to think of it, maybe it is a good thing they took away my internet browsing at work.

In other news, I went against my better judgement and went to an urgent-care facility for my back pain, as my regular doctor could not see me until wednesday. I stand there and move my arms for him, continuously pointing to exactly where I am in pain(he does not acknowledge that I am speaking) and then am handed a prescription for Tylenol 3 with Codene(sp?). I take one when I settle in on my couch and notice that I begin to feel nauseous. Could this be a side effect of the medicine or am I now coming down with the flu that has been plaguing the masses? I do not know. I did not take another Tylenol 3 and the random headaches w/nausea continues intermittantly throughout the day. I feel guilty calling into work yet again tomorrow due to the intermittant nature of my condition but feel a little apprehensive about sitting in my cube for 8 hours staring at a computer screen. This would surely not help the headaches. You all see the irony of course? While I do not want to work on a computer tomorrow, I will gladly sit here and write on one at home. Tsk, Tsk.

I need to get some pointers from all of you out there with fancy blogs. I want to link all of your blogs and I am a little tech-dumb and want to be sure I do it right.

Okay, some of you asked for more blogs and this is what you get. Second thoughts?

Wait a minute....

I was thrown there for a minute when I tried to update my blog and then it made me switch things over to this 'new' version. I guess I knew that I had to, I was just putting it off. Apparently a few clicks is just too much energy for me to expend.

Well, now that that is done I can continue with my post. I have been trying to think of how I wanted to use this blog, considering that lately it has mainly been an outlet for my whining. I despise that about myself and shall try to avoid writing a blog that's sole purpose is to whine.

As I am looking out my window right now I am reminded of much I love Michigan. I guess I will never understand how people cannot appreciate the beauty of winter. I think snowy rooftops and tree branches that look like glass are so wonderful and just make me feel like I am in a movie. Wow..that was a little romantic, especially for me.

I suppose today's entry will be full of random musings about random things, as there are no big or even mildly interesting events going on in my life. I do, however, have a rather interesting story I will share with my dear, few readers.

This afternoon I went to a baby shower for one of my co-worker's daughter. Yeah, I know that I didn't have to go as it wasn't even a co-worker but this woman has always been nice to me and considering the situation I am about to explain, I felt my support would be appreciated. Maybe on some level anyways. Okay, this woman's daughter is only 16. Now, as sad as that is, it gets even worse.(can it really?)

I walk into the shower with another coworker and am not even acknowledged by the girl. Mind you, we are walking in with a HUGE gift....but I digress. She only looks at us when her mother makes her say hello to us. Um, hi? No thank you for coming to my shower. No humility at all. This girl is 16 and has the attitude that we should or wanted to be there. As we didn't know anyone else there, we only planned on staying for about an hour. Well, after an hour and half and no action...we say goodbye to our friend and she has to make her daughter say goodbye. After the daughter says goodbye she doesn't even say thank you. Her mom reminds her to thank us and then we leave.

I suppose I am telling you this because I can't seem to grasp the fact that a 16 year that got knocked up is allowed to EXPECT things from people. Well, that was certainly the impression I got. Not an ounce of embarassment for her situation. Not any slight bit of humility, of gratefullness. Not an iota. I started out not wanting to go but feeling as though it could be cool. No, I left feeling such negative feelings that I want to scream. I guess I need to accept that everyone in America thinks they are entitled to things, regardless of their actions. I mean, I may be harping about something trite, but it isn't to me. A girl who is in a situation like this should be grateful that her mother didn't kick her ass out, as many women would. And then for her family to throw a wonderful shower for her? That is almost bordering on a joke. Yet, I guess we were the bigger fools for getting her a damn swing and rewarding her for acting like a tramp. Oooh, that was mean...but I guess I am justified when she isn't grateful that people who don't even know her are willing to come and spend their hard earned money on her because we care about her mother...then what else is it than a reward? Go ahead honey, get yourself into a world of a mess, and we'll give you presents.

Well, maybe this was whiny. I like to think of it as more of a musing on America and its' values.

Although I certainly shouldn't have to state the obvious, I will anyhow...

I do think that her mom is awesome for not kicking her out, as she needs her mom now more than ever. I just worried that this came off as some pro-kicking teens out on the street kinda person. Not at all. But man you can bet my kids will know how to say thank you when someone walks in with a frickin' gift for them. Ok-off my pedestal for now!

Have a great weekend!