prose by amanda

The Scream

2007-10-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

It seems as though anytime I(and most people) want something, every other person on earth seems to be getting exactly what I want! It is like someone out there is handing out that very thing that I most covet and I just keep missing him. Like the ice cream truck when you were a kid, he was always just a block over, you could hear him-but not get to him. Certainly it is no secret that Jake and I are trying to have a baby. It is also most likely not a secret that I am not a patient person. Well, it has been a good 9-10 months of waiting and I am sick of it.

RELAX

That is what the world is telling me to do. Relax. If it were simply that easy we would have an entire world of completely chilled people. It would be like living on one giant commune. To be completely truthful-I have not once ever been relaxed. For me, it is one of life's greatest mysteries. I even sleep in a tense position. Oh well. That's me. Problem is, there is nothing worse then people telling you to relax when you are incapable of such a state of being. Even my mother, who calls me the most stressed person on earth, just simply tells me to not think about it. So I am supposed to have sex with my husband and then try my hardest to not think of what I hope for? Um? Crazy. I always find ways to get what I want. Problem is, there is no one to schmooze. No one to bargain with or ask please prettily... Nope. I have to wait. But not think about it when a friend calls and says she is pregnant or when our family asks us when we are having kids. I have to play it off as though I don't want any right now. I think I might cry otherwise.

Today I had a mini-meltdown at work. It was a long time coming and not too shocking. Devon(basically my sister) called to tell me a friend was pregnant. While I should not admit this, I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It seriously felt as though all of the air had been squeezed out of me. Was it because this friend was always a sort of 'frenemy'? Was it because I am competitive at heart and I have turned this into a competition in some imaginary race? Or was it because I am just a bratty kid who doesn't want people to have what I don't? I really don't know. All I know is that I had to say very little so I didn't start to cry. Devon then goes on to tell me how our friend wasn't even trying yet and was only off the pill for less than a month, how the friend is worried she isn't ready and wanted to get pregnant in a few months from now. Fuck off. Thats it, I lost it. I rather abruptly told Devon that I was busy and said goodbye. I started crying in my damn cubicle. Ridiculous. I hated myself for being that girl who cries at work.

I called my dear mother for comfort who just told me that I needed to relax and not to take everything so personal. I couldn't even get a damn ounce of sympathy from my own mother. Why should I have to ask my own mom for some frickin' pity? Just a little? I didn't want advice, I didn't want to be told that I was wrong. Just tell me that it sucks and that you feel bad that I am going through this! Fuck! Why is it so wrong to be sad and want some sympathy? I do not normally ask for it! I feel like I am normally the person people go to for advice and a shoulder to cry on. I hope I don't just tell people to relax and make them feel ridiculous for not being able to do so. I dont' care who you are, if you are into something and truly wish for something, you absolutely cannot just fucking forget about it. Give me a break.

I truly don't want people to think that they can't tell me that they are pregnant, I really am happy for them. I am just sad for myself. Can't a girl be both?

It feels so great to write this because I haven't had an outlet to just say all of the 'bad' things I have been thinking. This was not a post looking for sympathy, I was just plain ol' looking to bitch and it feels so good.

Just Don't Call Me Martha...

2007-10-14T13:34:00.000-07:00

I guess I have been in a supremely domestic mood as of late. It seems that I must live in one extreme or another. So if I don't cook, we tend to eat take-out. Be it pizza, fast food or carry out from a local restaurant it is not at all prepared by me or my husband. Wait-sometimes I'll pour something to drink. Now, if we are not dining on such enviable fare, I go the complete opposite route and have to cook my meals from scratch. Well... basically. Let's not get ridiculous here, I do take some help from the grocery store. I do not, for example, use fresh tomatoes instead of canned for spaghetti. That is just too much work for someone as lazy as me.

So after a Friday night of pizza, pop and lots of cigarettes I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. I got into the kitchen on Saturday evening and cranked out chili, banana bread and prepped a roast for tonight's dinner. The pop and cigarettes continued but I still felt a little cleansed. Now, today I woke up and got the roast cooking and started work on blueberry pancakes with turkey bacon. (ed note: not so much a fan of the Turkey Bacon...) I then relaxed on the couch and felt the need to make dessert for tonight's dinner because if I make one part of the dinner it tends to inspire me to make more and more. I must confess, our dessert is just some of that 'dirt' pudding you tend to see at picnics and not made from scratch but I did have to make some components and it still is strangely satisfying to know that I have meals aplenty in my kitchen right now.

As much as I abhore the notion of a 'housewife' I would very happily be a well-educated housewife who CHOOSES to stay home if I got this proud feeling after most days. Then again, Jake may not be so quick to do the dishes while I cook or run to the store for an ingredient that I forgot if those were my only tasks while he was working all day. I probably wouldn't find as much joy in doing this if I were to have to do it every day. Or if we had kids and I had to deal with them at the same time.

I suppose I should just enjoy my moments of domestic supremacy and hope that it is fun a few years down the road.

I'm still around

2007-09-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I am finally writing again but I don't think that there is much new to report. I originally started this blog in the hopes that I wouldn't feel weird about just writing fiction or whatever was on my mind. The problem is, when you know that people are reading your stuff and it is people you know, you can suddenly get self-conscious. I've always wanted to write a book that would perhaps be grouped in the same genre as David Sedaris or perhaps Salinger. As these are my two favorite authors, I feel that I have such a high standard for how I want to write that it scares me into not writing. Unless, of course, you account for those lonely stories tucked away in some now-dampened cardboard storage boxes in our basement. Well, maybe soon. I have been feeling the itch to write again and perhaps this would be a good forum.

My brother Joe has an idea for a book he wants to see written but feels he lacks the skills to put his ideas to paper. He asked if I would write the book using his outlines and plot ideas. I think it sounds like a nice collaboration and look forward to sitting down with him. From what he has told me it is some sort of fantasy/action/hero-esque type plot. I am just excited to help him and hear what he has thought of. Perhaps it will be labeled with the line "as told to." That would be awesome.

In news unrelated to writing, Jake and I are still half-heartedly trying for a baby. I use the term half hearted because with how crazy my lady cycles have been, we don't really know if it is biologically possible at the moment. I never thought I would be a woman that had to worry about getting pregnant. Never. Suddenly I empathize only too well with any mention of a 'gaping hole' in one's life. I get it. I really really wish I didn't. Jake is ever the optimist and one day his outlook is bound to rub off on me, right? Really, I am going through every Pessimists nirvana. What is happening is exactly what I feared would. Just like I warned myself and everyone else.

I had an appointment with my Ob/Gyn but she was so far behind that I had to reschedule or I'd miss my next appointment I had scheduled for that day. The lady behind the little sliding window didn't get that I had to wait until my next scheduled day off to come in because most of us have jobs and cannot just come in when the doctor has an opening. I already had taken the day off for this appointment. Maybe I was glad it was forced to be post-poned. I could have been told that I have problems far more serious than I thought. I guess we'll keep trying and I'll find out more in November, pretty much December when I go back. That's right. The monday after Thanksgiving.

Nothing adds to my frustration like when I am sitting in the doctors office and I see a girl I went to High School with walk in. Granted, I never liked this girl and considered myself more 'popular' than her(meow!), I couldn't help but ask myself why she deserved to be pregnant and I didn't. I knew that she didn't know why I was there but I sure felt like it. It felt like every damn person in the room, with their big round bellys knew that I was there because I am having a problem achieving that big round belly. Well, without the aid of all of my favorites candies and chocolate... I have that type of belly already.

Wow, I guess I choose to only write on this when I am frustrated and need to write things out. I did have dreams of witty, entertaining and quirky entries. I guess I am just not in that place right now. The holidays are coming though, and nothing can put me in a good mood like a holiday, so I am sure things will be so much better shortly! Bye!

Weekend Fun Times?

2007-05-27T17:16:00.000-07:00

As it is Memorial Day Weekend, I felt that Jake and I had to get out of the house. While I, for the most part, would be content to chill at home all weekend and do a lot of nothing, I know that Jake enjoys doing stuff. Yesterday we went to Harsen's Island. My grandpa has a cottage up there that I have gone to all my life. My absolute favorite memories involve "the cottage." Although things have been different up there ever since my Grandma passed away last March.

With the ever-present sadness of losing my Grandma and then having to go to the place that reminds me most of her, we left amid a down-pour. I think that should have tipped me off. I knew that if we didn't go my family and mostly my Mom would make me feel like a bad member of the family. So we went and brought Moxie. BAD IDEA. There were a total of 7 dogs up there. That's right. I should have turned right around and got back in the car. For a place that had rarely been host to a four-legged friend, it looked like a freakin' kennel. I guess the new theme in my large family is to have a dog. My mom has 6 brothers and sisters. Each one of the 'sub-families' had a dog. I thought Moxie would be alone...hahaha. She was just attacked and harassed by every dog there and spent the majority of our stay in either my lap or in Jake's lap. Clearly we did not spend the night or even make it a really long stay.

Because Jake and I both took off Tuesday to turn our weekend into a mini-vacay, we had hoped for lots of fun and stuff to do. Then the reality of having no money set in. I was stupid and took a day off last pay period and then Jake got a ticket. Because I opted to not take a paid day off my check was short and then the problem was doubled by the fact that we had to have funds for the ticket. That left us with about $0.00 to have fun with. I knew we had to plan for the whole 'cottage' experience and thus bought lots of food to take up there. Considering that we left due to the doggy day care, we spent a lot of money on food that was never touched by us. I guess we donated to the group who will spend the whole 3 day weekend up there. Nice. Now that I think about it, I had some steaks marinating that sound really good right now, I hope the family enjoy them. ;)

Of course... we could get loads of housework done, but that really isn't what a vacation is all about right? We did indulge and dip into the 'rent' fund and went and saw a matinee of Pirates of the Carribean. It was okay and it felt like a major indulgence. I dont know the last time I went to a movie. Let me just put this out there- movie theaters must find a better system for ensuring that your popcorn is buttered. Putting some butter on the top layer is bullshit. If I am going to pay $100.00 for some popcorn, I want that shit to be buttered and salted to perfection, throughout the ENTIRE bag. That is truly the main reason I go to a movie, the popcorn. It is not nearly as good at home. Okay, now that I sound like a true fatty, I am done.

Maybe tomorrow will bring some excitement. Maybe tomorrow will bring the resolve I need to get cleaning. Maybe tomorrow will bring me the clarity I need to learn how to enjoy a day off and just relax.

wish-washy

2007-05-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

I have been told that I am slightly wishy-washy and prone to changing my mind. I think that should just be noted as an endearing quality. Quirky- if you will.

After the great hullaballoo of making decisions on where to move, Jake and I are now staying put for at least another year. Well, those are the plans this week. After deciding to retire the long-suffering truck Jake drove, we bought a new/used car and have committed to another sizable monthly payment. We are happy to have not so many worries of Jake being stranded somewhere on I-275. However, that payment pretty much negates moving. I think it all happened for a reason.

I really wanted to be out of here asap in case we had a baby soon. I have this deep-rooted issue that I should own a home when I/we have a child. Because that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon, I think we should enjoy the fact that we can basically afford where we live and have perks like two new cars. It won't last long, surely.

On a new note...School is done for the summer! No, not for good. I have a while to go it seems. WSU does not offer what I need during it's summer semester so I figure I should just enjoy the summer and no classes. It will be fun in the fall because Jake is going to become a WSU student and if we are lucky our classes will coincide and we can drive together. Maybe he will help me go to class more often. As it is obvious due to how long I have been in school, I don't exactly go to class as often as some professors would deem appropriate. Oddly enough, I think I would love to teach at the University level when I am done one day. I will not enforce an attendance policy, however.

As I type this I realize that I have nothing new or exciting to share. Moxie got a ridiculous haircut that is not really noteworthy and I am dying to see my friends. I feel like I haven't seen anyone and hung out in AGES.... soon I hope.

Eek!

2007-04-09T16:49:00.000-07:00

As I had mentioned in the previous post, we are thinking about moving. There seems to be a lot of that going around right now, but anyways...there is a big decision looming: Do we move out of state? Scary to even think about really but we have thought and thought. Although I doubt that we will make a move like that soon, it is still lurking in the back of my mind.

My favorite, most dear cousin Julie lives in Chicago(she moved during her college years) and has told me why we should move there. We mentioned that we may come and stay with her for a few days in June and perhaps go look at places. Get a feel for the city as an actual HOME. Even typing this makes me nervous. Chicago certainly isn't that far away but it isn't that close either. No hangouts on weeknights with close friends. Nope, we'll have to make some there. Eek!

As I said, this is pure talk and excited speculation but I have more and more come to love the idea of living in Ferndale/possibly Royal Oak. Maybe Ferndale will be the first step. Maybe it will be a final step. I guess that is what makes it so exciting.

Where to?

2007-04-02T12:51:00.000-07:00

There has been much talk (mainly on my end) between Jake and I about our next move. Somewhere along the line I have turned into a gypsy and can't seem to find a place that I feel is right for us. Jake doesn't seem to care much about where we move so long as it isn't even further away from his work. It would take a lot of effort to get even farther. His 80 mile a day commute is wearing thin and he is ready to live, at the very least, a smidge closer.

This means that I have pondered and pondered where I would love to live next. We are most likely not going to be in the position to buy a home that we would like, so renting may be the option we must turn to for now. We certainly could buy a home, just not a home that we wouldn't be thinking of selling shortly down the line. That isn't exactly appealing. If we know we are going to be moving soon, why not just rent and make it much easier on ourselves? That said...I have the yearn to own a home and have fun 'home improvement weekends.' You know, trips to the Depot, the list of projects and the sense of accomplishment. I digress....

Barring a handsome raise, we have decided on renting. There I said it, there has been one decision made. We most likely won't move until late August but where to? Ahh...the debate begins. Having lived on the East Side my whole life, I really enjoy knowing where everything is and being able to navigate anywhere I need to go. However, the alluring idea of not knowing the best grocery store and learing the quickest ways around sounds like fun too. A new town for a new start or something like that.

We currently live in Grosse Pointe Park and we love the area. As I dove into house-hunting in a truly 'Amanda' fashion(fall in love with first house I see and want to move, like, yesterday) I began to see some really AWESOME homes in the Grosse Pointe area. Flat out-swanky homes that we can afford to rent? Suddenly my dreams of walking on Kercheval with Starbucks and puppy on leash do not seem so silly. Sure I live in the area now, but I feel like a fraud. These homes are so great, so posh, so 'right' zip-code, so beautiful, so not us. Everything seems great but we are again, very far from Jake's work. This would mean a much higher rent with no less money spent on our enormous gas bill each month. And no fun of discovering a new town. Hmmm....

My next browse will be the Royal Oak, Ferndale, Clawson area. There are so many reasons we want to live in this area. Best friends are super close. it would cut Jake's drive to work almost in half (half the gas money??) and it would be a great area to raise kids. It may sound cheesy but I love the idea of raising our potential children in a really tolerant neighborhood. My kids would grow up seeing men holding hands, women holding hands, men and women holding hands...or hugging...or kissing! It would be a great way to grow up. It would just be how things are. No odd stares(fingers crossed) just a great area to grown up in thinking that it doesn't matter who you love. I'll admit(it is obvious, I'm sure) that this alone is a big draw to me. Never mind the kid aspect. Just living in an area where it is okay to be yourself. This would not be the case 15 miles away in the conservative Grosse Pointe.

There is a Trader Joe's right there on Woodward too...ok, again, this is a minor detail.

Hmmm...are there huge, great areas I am not thinking of? I don't know, but I really want to be sure we make the smart decision and not an impulse decision as we are both apt to do. We did take a somewhat decent time looking for our current home. I think that is only because we didn't see places that we really liked until this one.

Decisions, decisions..they are my friend and foe all at the same time. We have decided one other thing-we are definitely paying movers. Actual movers. At least for the big stuff and if it isn't too expensive, all of the other stuff too. With this nomadic lifestyle, we certainly cannot ask another favor. I would be outed from a potential co-op group before it begins!

On a completely unrelated note-I felt the need to take a pregnancy test and I was cheap and bought the Target Brand. BOTH test that came in the package were duds. Neither of the 'control' windows worked. I can't exactly walk into Target with some used pregnancy tests and demand my money back, but DAMN! I guess it was the fates letting me know that it isn't the time to take another test. Whatever. I want my $7.00 back.

How Do I Title This One?

2007-03-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of so many different topics to write on lately. I get excited and decide on a topic and then I lose interest about as quickly as I thought of the idea. First it was about how you go through cycles of friends and if you are lucky--a few are constant throughout those cycles. Next it was a blog about cooking and how I would really like to one-day be a caterer/party planner. You know, a classy one. Then I thought of the usual: Amanda's stream of thoughts rolled into one snazzy title.

I am going to bet you will figure out which one I am going with....
(Just as a warning to anyone who does not wish to read the tiresome mainstay of my blog self-introspection you may want to stop reading now....)

Jake is out tonight at our friends house for a hang-out with some of 'the guys.' I knew he was going all week, yet today I was really bitter about it. Even as I was all sad and mad about it, I knew that I was being silly and tried to snap out of it. Well, I at least snapped out of it enough to not make him feel bad about going. He should go out, he, as we all do, needs to get out!

Once the door shut I found myself crying. To be honest, before the door even shut, I was crying. I was officially one of the girls that I just abhore. Why was I crying, you ask? I wish I could tell you.

I lied, I think I can tell you. Some of this crying stuff is most likely from the realization that I have far fewer friends than I used to. Now, I have much more quality in the great friends I do have, but I have far fewer friends. This means far fewer people to call and chat with, far fewer people to go out with, far fewer people to invite to parties I want to host. I know that this happens inevitably when you get older, the quality goes up/the number goes down. Sadly, I wasn't as prepared for this as I thought. I find myself feeling embarassed by the fact that I really couldn't fill a whole room with friends. Do I really need these random friends? Doubtful, but hard to adjust to when you leave a sorority that supplied countless friends to call on a whim when you were in the mood to go out. I could gather a group of 10 in maybe two/three calls. Okay, obviously if these were great friends, I wouldn't be whining now...they'd be around. So yeah, I guess no real loss.

The funny part in all of this, as mentioned in prior posts, I do not live to go out or hang out with people. I guess I just liked the options and feeling 'popular' or well-liked or something. I guess it felt good that people wanted to be in my company often. That probably sounds really vain, but hey, this is my blog.

Now back to the original problem with tonight's events. Jake left, I, who only have TWO great/bestest friends that I go out with on a regular basis, were busy. (Totally understandable!) and I was sitting at home thinking about how they were busy/tired/unavailable because they have families. This was not the only reason that they could not go out, mind you, but this is what I do to myself. I tell myself it is because they have families and I dont' understand. They have never, not once, made me feel like that through their actions...it is all in my head. Now, this point isn't to make my two buddies feel bad. It is to make the point that I am making this divide in my life now. People who have families and those who don't. Only- I am not making this divide as a person who doesn't want kids or as a single person who is anti a 'family' lifestyle. I know that I make this distinction because I am so sadly longing for one. That sounds so pathetic as I read it back. However, I am not taking thoughts out of this evening's blog. This is just an outlet for me to kind of sort out my thoughts.

Another question that this whole scenario brings up is that I have many friends/acquaintances that I would love to start more of a friendship with, yet feel really embarassed about pursuing. I feel like that awkward kid on the playground. You never want to hear.."I'm busy" or "Yes! I'll call you" and you don't hear from them because it is weird/awkward for them. Being an adult SUCKS in this regard. Making friends can be so weird and you never want to seem eager or pathetic to this potential friend.

Clearly these are all of my insecurities that I project onto my potential friends. Clearly I am just having a bad night and probably shouldn't be writing down all of thoughts for people to read. Clearly I don't particularly care at this moment.

This could be mortifying when I read it back, but I won't delete it...because now I am no longer sad and weird and I feel silly that I was in the first place. I think the purpose of this blog has been fulfilled. It was the much needed outlet I needed. So thanks blog.

dashed dreams

2007-03-06T16:22:00.000-08:00

Damn! After not working for 1 1/2 days, due to back pains, I felt really rejuvenated and thought about making cookies. Well, I made the batter, mixed, beat, gradually stirred in, painstakingly set the oven to 375 and then this...

"sniff...sniff..."

...i continue to read blogs....

"sniff...sniff..."

"OH Shit...I left the cookies in the F------ OVEN!"

Yes, my friends, I charred the first batch. As we all know, the minute you smell them burning, it is too late. I am so sad and am currently waiting to see how my second batch turns out. I don't normally forget things of this nature, but my mind was enthralled by all of YOUR blogs! You see, I enjoy them so much that I suddenly lose track of time and forget what I am supposed to be worrying about. I suppose it is your fault. Due to this imposition on my life, you will not be offered cookies from the batch that turns out. Nope, you will be allowed cookies from the burnt batch!

Come to think of it, maybe it is a good thing they took away my internet browsing at work.

In other news, I went against my better judgement and went to an urgent-care facility for my back pain, as my regular doctor could not see me until wednesday. I stand there and move my arms for him, continuously pointing to exactly where I am in pain(he does not acknowledge that I am speaking) and then am handed a prescription for Tylenol 3 with Codene(sp?). I take one when I settle in on my couch and notice that I begin to feel nauseous. Could this be a side effect of the medicine or am I now coming down with the flu that has been plaguing the masses? I do not know. I did not take another Tylenol 3 and the random headaches w/nausea continues intermittantly throughout the day. I feel guilty calling into work yet again tomorrow due to the intermittant nature of my condition but feel a little apprehensive about sitting in my cube for 8 hours staring at a computer screen. This would surely not help the headaches. You all see the irony of course? While I do not want to work on a computer tomorrow, I will gladly sit here and write on one at home. Tsk, Tsk.

I need to get some pointers from all of you out there with fancy blogs. I want to link all of your blogs and I am a little tech-dumb and want to be sure I do it right.

Okay, some of you asked for more blogs and this is what you get. Second thoughts?

Wait a minute....

2007-03-03T15:15:00.000-08:00

I was thrown there for a minute when I tried to update my blog and then it made me switch things over to this 'new' version. I guess I knew that I had to, I was just putting it off. Apparently a few clicks is just too much energy for me to expend.

Well, now that that is done I can continue with my post. I have been trying to think of how I wanted to use this blog, considering that lately it has mainly been an outlet for my whining. I despise that about myself and shall try to avoid writing a blog that's sole purpose is to whine.

As I am looking out my window right now I am reminded of much I love Michigan. I guess I will never understand how people cannot appreciate the beauty of winter. I think snowy rooftops and tree branches that look like glass are so wonderful and just make me feel like I am in a movie. Wow..that was a little romantic, especially for me.

I suppose today's entry will be full of random musings about random things, as there are no big or even mildly interesting events going on in my life. I do, however, have a rather interesting story I will share with my dear, few readers.

This afternoon I went to a baby shower for one of my co-worker's daughter. Yeah, I know that I didn't have to go as it wasn't even a co-worker but this woman has always been nice to me and considering the situation I am about to explain, I felt my support would be appreciated. Maybe on some level anyways. Okay, this woman's daughter is only 16. Now, as sad as that is, it gets even worse.(can it really?)

I walk into the shower with another coworker and am not even acknowledged by the girl. Mind you, we are walking in with a HUGE gift....but I digress. She only looks at us when her mother makes her say hello to us. Um, hi? No thank you for coming to my shower. No humility at all. This girl is 16 and has the attitude that we should or wanted to be there. As we didn't know anyone else there, we only planned on staying for about an hour. Well, after an hour and half and no action...we say goodbye to our friend and she has to make her daughter say goodbye. After the daughter says goodbye she doesn't even say thank you. Her mom reminds her to thank us and then we leave.

I suppose I am telling you this because I can't seem to grasp the fact that a 16 year that got knocked up is allowed to EXPECT things from people. Well, that was certainly the impression I got. Not an ounce of embarassment for her situation. Not any slight bit of humility, of gratefullness. Not an iota. I started out not wanting to go but feeling as though it could be cool. No, I left feeling such negative feelings that I want to scream. I guess I need to accept that everyone in America thinks they are entitled to things, regardless of their actions. I mean, I may be harping about something trite, but it isn't to me. A girl who is in a situation like this should be grateful that her mother didn't kick her ass out, as many women would. And then for her family to throw a wonderful shower for her? That is almost bordering on a joke. Yet, I guess we were the bigger fools for getting her a damn swing and rewarding her for acting like a tramp. Oooh, that was mean...but I guess I am justified when she isn't grateful that people who don't even know her are willing to come and spend their hard earned money on her because we care about her mother...then what else is it than a reward? Go ahead honey, get yourself into a world of a mess, and we'll give you presents.

Well, maybe this was whiny. I like to think of it as more of a musing on America and its' values.

Although I certainly shouldn't have to state the obvious, I will anyhow...

I do think that her mom is awesome for not kicking her out, as she needs her mom now more than ever. I just worried that this came off as some pro-kicking teens out on the street kinda person. Not at all. But man you can bet my kids will know how to say thank you when someone walks in with a frickin' gift for them. Ok-off my pedestal for now!

Have a great weekend!

Que sera...sera

2007-02-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

Let me see....can I describe how i am feeling without whining? Well, I will definitely give it a shot.

I know that many things that are worth having usually come with some sort of work or struggle. I know this because i have lived it. My wedding was a pain in the ass with all sorts of unexpected family drama, moving always seems to involve more than is necessary, etc. Well, lately I have been tempted to just give up on a few things.

My problem is that I get really excited about something and then I get hit with a hard dose of 'Amanda's reality.' This means, of course, that anything I get excited about will not go smoothly. Wah, wah, wah. Ok, there was the whine. Seriously though, it is especially hard because when I want something I do everything possible to make it happen, and quickly. I am not a paitent person. When things are taken completely out of my hands I feel as though I must be missing something. There must be something I can do! Sadly, this time, I am doing just about everything I can do and it looks as though I will not be able to affect the outcome.
Everyone thinks it is easy to say "what is supposed to be, will be..." BAH! That is such a load of crap and we all know it. That is exactly what you say to someone when you don't know what else to say. I know because I, too, have used this line. Yeah, there is a bit of truth in this common saying. The problem is that the great line of comfort does little when you are wanting something. I sometimes feel that is one of life's biggest lies we tell ourselves. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Surely this is the easiest thing to say ever, because you can't really be proved wrong! I know, i know, this line has brought me comfort in the past, but that usually happened AFTER what I wanted to happen had finally occured. By that time it is easy to say that everything happened for a reason. You can find a reason, however flimsy, just about anywhere if you want to create an excuse. Wow, i guess I am whining and I do apologize. I am truly not in the best place at the moment and I am trying to think of ways to make myself pep up a little. I'm not normally this sad. Bitchy, yes..it is my nature, but sad? No.

Hopefully I will be a little pepped up by hanging out with Jake tonight and just vegging on the couch after I make a tasty dinner. Maybe that will be what I need to start believing the comforting lines that I so often say to others.

Well, without trying to come off as a smart ass(because i truly mean this...) HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!

you dont have to read this, i'm just bored

2007-02-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

Nothing to upset Jake in this one!

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:-Amanda-Aunt Amanda

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:-I have good taste-I am a pretty good cook when I try-I am frickin' hilarious

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF-I worry too much-my weight could be a little lower-Compulsively looking into mirrors(just call me Vanity Smurf)

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:- Mexican- Lebanese- Polish

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:- Spider-the unknown- unplanned events

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:- Some piece of black attire- deodarant- a snarky attitude

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:- black shirt- black pants-kelly green hoodie(it is cold in here)

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:- Dean Martin(not a band, i know)- Pink Floyd- Elvis Costello

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE ALBUMS:- Wish You Were Here/Pink Floyd- Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots/Flaming Lips- The Best of Eddie Money/Eddie Money

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:- I buy at least SOMETHING for myself everyday- I have an odd obsession wtih Frasier Reruns on Lifetime- I want 7 kids

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:- getting pregnant- go on an actual vacation with Jake- move into a place that I want to stay for more than 1 year

THREE THINGS YOU NEED IN A RELATIONSHIP:- Honesty- Laughter- patience with my moods

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:- Save money- bite my tongue- not judge

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:- Cooking- Reading- Writing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:- Sleep- finish school- Shop

THREE JOBS YOU'D CONSIDER DOING OTHER THAN THE ONE YOU HAVE:- um, almost anything!- nanny(for a RICH person)- mommy

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:- Spain(my one true dream)- London- India

THREE KID'S NAMES:- Detroit- Aquafina- Jezebel
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:- Go to Spain(on a fab ship)- Shop without any reservations on how much i spend!- have a family

Money, That's What I Want!

2007-02-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

I know I may be at the age of showers for all of my friends and that is cool, but this co-worker shit is KILLING ME financially! I have no problem-ever buying my friends or their kids presents. I do have a problem when every damn week there is a new event that I have to ante up for. Who can afford this? Other people at my work must be feeling the pinch as well as I am? Frankly, I do have the extra $25.00 a month on average that I have to cough up but, more to the point, I dont want to give this money!

There are TWO, count them, TWO baby showers this month alone. How do I decline...that's right you don't. Especially when the 'shower' is at work! It isn't that I don't like the people. It is more the fact that I HAVE to give. I don't really have a choice.

Let me stress that I LOVE SHOPPING FOR PEOPLE, not just myself! Mostly upsetting me is that I want to buy things for my loved ones and I can't because i have to give to my works latest event.

Now for a pity-poor-Amanda part: On my birthday I received some balloons from the woman who decorates everyones cubicle and that is it. That's right...almost everyone else gets a cake, doughnuts, something. I do not. Now, I dont want to complain about not getting anything, because I was fine. I am only annoyed because I have to give for everything and i didn't even get a card. Clearly my office is just a tad clicky. I am a floater who gets along with everyone but apparently not well enough! I am either going to have to start saying NO all the time, or just start giving small amounts. Less than what they ask for. Yes, that is right, they ask for specific amounts! No-donate what you can...nope. It is more along the lines of "we are collecting for Sally Mae's baby shower, we are asking for $20.00 from everyone. Please give your money to Jane." What????

Okay, I have vented and vented and vented so I am done! I have to go shopping...

A Show of Hands?

2007-02-02T12:42:00.000-08:00

I am looking for someone out there who used to be an obsessive worrier! Anyone out there that has learned to control this annoying trait? The full impact of how horrible this trait is has hit me recently.

As I have mentioned and mentioned and mentioned.....Baby time is near and we have started to 'try.' Whatever that means. Basically just unprotected sex. Sorry if that is too weird for some to read. The reason that this is relevant is this: just knowing that we are kinda trying(my b.c. shot is supposed to still be in effect?!) I want to constantly take those damn pregnancy tests and/or ovulation tests! CRAZINESS! Why, dear friends, can I not just 'see what happens'? I have touted to all that care to listen that that was our plan. Surely everyone that has even said hello to me on the street knows that I am not a 'see what happens' girl. I don't particularly think that baby making is an enjoyable and stress free time for people with this hellish quirk. Yes, it is far more annoying that a 'quirk' but I still name it that in hopes that it maybe still seems endearing to someone out there. Jake acts like it is cute but let us all be honest here- it is damn hard to live with someone who can't even sleep right if a bill is outstanding by one day!

Should I just resign myself to many $$$ being spent on unnecessary tests just to quell my mania? Does anyone have any suggestions other than relax(you should know better ;) ) or maybe we all know that this is a futile fight? Bah! I'm certainly not complaining....I am soooo very excited about the possibilities that I can't NOT think about it though. Did I mention I am obsessive?

Well, I think I will see most of you who hopefully read this on Sunday, but I promise that unless you bring anything up-I will NOT talk about this! It even annoys me to hear myself speak of it!

Hmm..speaking of Sunday, I must get on that cookie exchange idea and think of what to make!

This is funny

2007-02-01T11:31:00.000-08:00

sorry this isn't really a blog! but it is fun....

Ok, this is amusing. I wonder if jake would think so.

Answer the questions without seeing what they mean first.
1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?Jake
2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?bird
3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?it doesn't pay attention to me
4.You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe it.an old rambling house with a swing on the front porch
5.Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?um no
6.You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. What do you see on AND around it?a pretty tablecloth with flowers and chairs....
7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?glass
8.What do you do with the cup?pick it up and curse who left it there.
9.You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?a lake
10. How will you cross the water?i won't---
What the answers mean:
1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.
2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life.
3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.
4. The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.
5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a close personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.
6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers, or people, then you are generally unhappy.
7. The durability of the material the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person you named in #1.
8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude toward person in #1.
9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.
10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life

musings

2007-01-26T08:37:00.000-08:00

Today while I was reading my friends blog about sledding a thought occured to me....why do adults not go sledding? Why don't we set up evenings for this event much like we would plan any other event with our friends? It is great exercise and so much fun that you don't freeze! It really isn't that cold when you are running up and down a hill with a tobaggan slowing you down.

Well, that and the nice cocoa with some amaretto or peppermint schnapps would certainly make a cozy event. I would rally my friends but I feel I know the answer from just about all of them. Certainly there are a couple that I know would be down with it but otherwise I think I would get the 'I'm too old' or 'I don't want to get all wet' or some other lame excuse that we would never accept if a child said it. Oh well. Maybe soon.

In other news, I have gone over two months without CUTTING MY HAIR! How fascinating, i know. It truly is a big deal to me because i can normally not handle not changing things up. I did get it colored and highlighted on my birthday but not chopped! Well... I did get the mullet trimmed off...but that was necessary and does not count!

As I only have 4 hours until it is time to go home for the weekend, I really must find something to do that will keep me busy but not hurt my brain. This whole week has seemed like it has lasted well, two weeks! I just want to sleep without an alarm going off. That is it. Just a little lie in! You know, like 7am woud be nice. Granted I will certainly sleep longer than that, as Jake would vouch but my point was made....

I can't believe I have written so much about nothing, I think i will stop it for now until my thoughts have a clear direction! Happy Weekend!

2007-01-24T10:14:00.000-08:00

So work has been altogether interesting lately. As I have become more a part of the 'group' I have been privy to all of the bullshit. I'm not so sure I'm excited about that. Rumor has it, if my newly instated boss can't clean up her predecessor's mess we could be outsourced. Okay, not 'we' but our department. That wouldn't be too promising for me. Although I know that my boss likes me, finding 30 jobs within our company probably won't happen. Due to my lack of any corporate experience, I could really be in trouble. I'm not sure and at this point it is just rumors. The only upside would be unemployment checks and maybe being home while with a baby. That would probably be too convenient and then I would never want to go back to work. No thanks, I'll take the job.

On another note, February looms ever-nearer and the thought of babies is exciting and then scary. I was at Target with Jake the other day and bought a book about what to do if you are trying to get pregnant. I know the most obvious answer but I figured that if we are going to plan it, then I should do everything in my power to either prepare my body or make it a little healthier. Such as my recently renewed lust for cigarettes. OUT! We have decided that today we are quitting for real. I am not too sure about Jake but I really really want to stick with it! I will never be a smoker whilst pregnant but I don't want to have it as a lifestyle right now either.

I told myself that I would not tell everyone on earth that we are going to try but I can't help myself. I like sharing with people, well, I like sharing my excitement. Not everything. I do feel like I am going to jinx myself by talking about it too much. Oh well, I have to try to stick to the mantra "what will be will be." I'm not so sure I can do that. That would interfere with my worrying and as we all know, that just won't do.

I FEEL THE NEED!

2007-01-18T08:27:00.000-08:00

I must admit that I get urges every now and then that I simply must indulge. What? Well, let us just say that it involves going into just about any store I see fit and buying! Yeah, yeah some people love to shop. NO! I am weirdly obsessed with it. Every now and then I will look at Jake and say, "I need to shop." It really is a stress reducer for me. I have to do it! Even grocery shopping can cause a little thrill. I abhore the term "Shopaholic" but it could vaguely apply. Embarassingly.

I recently indulged in some shoes. Okay, 3 pairs of shoes. And some clothing and a little something for Jake. The real problem is, if I stave off the urge, I then go into overdrive and spend silly amounts on silly things. 3 pairs of shoes? same shoe, 3 different colors. That's right. I really shouldn't be admitting this. As an avid believer of just being myself, I feel that it would be dishonest to NOT admit this.

Last night I went shopping with my Joy and I truly believe the only reason that I spend under $60.00 at Crate and Barrel is because she was with me. Sure, I do try to reason everything I buy, but I went into overdrive when she was standing next to me. This is why I think I have a problem. I prefer to spend these crazy amounts of money alone. In solitude. That is usually a sign of a problem. I totally would have far more seriously considered buying a whole new set of dishes had she not been there. Thank the Lord she was. I DO NOT NEED A WHOLE NEW PLACE SETTING FOR 12! Maybe that will be the trick-taking someone with me who will not encourage me to buy everything I like. Jake is so wonderful he doesn't try to stop me unless it would hurt us financially. Even then it is half-heartedly as he must like the smile on my face after I buy something fabulous.

I could go on and on but I am already sure that many of you are rolling your eyes at me but really I hope I just made you all laugh at what I call lovingly 'one of my quirks.'

New Year, New Thoughts

2007-01-04T13:04:00.000-08:00

Yes! It is 2007 and not a damn thing is different than 2006. Not really shocking, of course, as it was only a date change at midnight. Nothing else really changes at that stroke of the clock, yet everyone seems to have renewed hope. I must say, I hope I am one of those people at some point in my life.

Let me explain, I do not mean any of this in a pessimistic way. I only mean that just because it is suddenly 2007 doesn't mean that things are different or that I suddenly have a new attitude or something. A change in date doesn't spurn that inside of me.

There are certainly plans for the upcoming year that I hope come to fruition. Jake and I plan on moving, starting a family, finishing school or nearing it anyways. So yes, 2007 does bring new possibilities but that is just a coincidence.

I went to visit Devon and my nephew today. She is doing lots better but still sore. Jack looks great and is eating a ton. That boy is destined to be a big man. I can't wait until he starts scooting around and getting into trouble. That is one adorable quality I love in kids. Troublemaking. I seem to revel in it. Maybe because my parents enjoyed it in my brothers and myself when we were growing up. We were never rewared for being bad, but very quickly after we had been punished we would hear them regailing their friends with the stories of their 'bad' kids. They would always be laughing and trying to mask their amusement from us but we knew.

On Monday my classes start again and then Jake begins his a couple days later. The stress of school resumes but I am surprisingly anxious for it to start. School somehow makes me feel like I am living. I guess I am just one of those odd birds who loves to learn and craves it. Maybe that is the new lame excuse I can use when family members ask me when I am finishing school. Ha-pretty flimsy, but true. Otherwise, I doubt I would be planning on grad school immediately and then hopefully getting my PHd one day. We'll see. For now, I really love finding out why things are and don't intend to stop!

Whew, tons of babbling today. I must have been storing up.

oh i don't know...

2006-12-28T16:48:00.000-08:00

Well, the birth of baby Jack has occurred and let me just say this: I'm not so sure.

Does this sound cold? I dont' think so. I definitely think he is gorgeous but I am not as excited as I thought I would be. Maybe it is my own desire to be a mom and thus I can't be as excited for others. I don't know. I'm not jealous of Devon, I really happy that everything worked out okay. Eh...whatever. Maybe I'm just tired.

I just can't figure out why I was so crazy excited for her to be pregnant and now I'm just blah. I think I am just sad for myself. There is nothing worse than a self-pitier and I therefore promise to stop it immediately after this post.;)

Looking forward to the new year and what it will bring. There are many possibilities. Perhaps a degree from WSU finally? Perhaps a little baby of our own? Perhaps pay raises and a new place to call home? Who knows! It's exciting to think of all the major changes that could happen sometime soon.

I think I'll just stop writing because I feel as though this is going to turn into my saddened lust for a baby and no one really wants to read about that and then no one will read my future blogs for fear that they too will be whining. No good. I'll say good bye for now and promise an exciting and thoroughly silly post that you all have come to expect from Amanda. Until then, Happy New Year!

wha???

2006-12-21T05:56:00.000-08:00

Apparently, before I even start the new position I was promoted to, I am being moved again into a new job title. I hear that the doctors I work for want to restructure our department. Fine by me, as it sounds as though the new job I will have will be far better than just helping patients with their billing problems all day. I really wasn't looking forward to that and now I don't have to dread it!

With only 4 days until Christmas I find myself being sad that it will all be over so soon. I really have enjoyed the Christmas season this year. Everything involved makes me feel happy;the cookies, the songs, the shopping(especially the shopping), the look on someone's face when they open the gift you picked out just for them, the anticipation of Santa Claus by all the kids, etc. It is just a fun, magical time that too many people brush off as a nuisance. It really is only a nuisance if you don't at least try to sit back and enjoy it just a little. It is truly the one time of the year that you can do things and just say,"it's Christmas, don't worry about it." People get funny when you want to do nice things for them, but if you do it at Christmastime, its okay.

Today I passed out cards to everyone in the office and it seemed as though I was just the sweetest person ever. Really? I didn't take a lot of time to do this and just thought that everyone would make a little effort. I guess I am crazy. Oh well, hopefully I made some lonely soul in a cubicle smile. That would make it all the more worth it.

On another note, we watched our friends kids last night so that they could go do some shopping together. It was a blast hanging out with the kids. They are always hilarious when they don't try to be. In particular, their 3 year old informed me that if you are bad for Christmas you get coal AND poop in your stocking. Maybe he should be scolded for saying that, but why? It really is funny. Plus, if you're bad, poop wouldn't be such a bad idea for a gift. Anyways, my maternal yearnings kicked into overdrive when he tripped and fell and was crying and just wanted me to hold him until he felt better. At first I had this weird fear that I was wrong to pick him up but then he didn't want to sit on the couch next to me, he wanted sit on my lap and just rest his head against me. Needless to say, I just about died. The supposed 'bad' kid(who isn't near bad at all) was all cuddly. Maybe I'm not the best babysitter ever because these kids are so great that I really couldn't be a real enforcer of rules if I wanted to. Maybe if they were bad but they're not. So, we all raged until about 10 pm when mom and dad got home. I let them deal with bedtime. I'd rather the kids think that when Jake and I are there, it is fun times.

Ok, I've rambled on and on about tidbits of my life, so next time I will perhaps put together a more organized blog. Unless Devon has her baby, then it will just be a meandering journey of me gushing. Or being revolted at what I saw in the delivery room. We'll see.

2006-12-15T05:03:00.000-08:00

As I was driving to work today I began thinking about music. Well, moreso, lyrics to music that I just adore. Specific songs aside, the main thing I was thinking about is how once I become in love with a song I feel that it is 'mine.' Surely other people feel the same way as I do when they come to love a particular song.

Now, I'm not saying that every song I like is treated with such regard. Just those few songs that actually seem like they were written about you. Every time I feel this way about a song and then someone else mentions that they too like the song, inside I scoff at them. They couldn't possibly 'get' that song like I do. They don't appreciate all of the subtle nuances of the song, they don't have mental versions of how the music video should have been/could have been made, they don't actually feel the song.

To feel this way about a song, I don't think you need to know all the chords played or even the exact words necessarily. Sure those details would possibly increase the knowledge about the song, but not love.

Maybe loving music is a lot more similar to loving people than some would think. You may not like what the artist or music stands for but you can't help but love it.

Ok, I'm done trying to explain my deep love for the song "Physical" by Olivia Newton John. I'm sure you all understand. ;)

Are they watching?

2006-12-11T15:02:00.000-08:00

During our work meeting today we were informed that our internet perusing is/could be monitored. I am not particularly concerned due to the fact that they mentioned 'myspace' as a problem. I canceled my profile on myspace quite some time ago, months, in fact. I should be safe checking my email and reading blogs.

On another note, it hasn't even been a month but I am proud to say that I have not been tempted to cut my hair. Although...today at work a lady looked at me and asked,"got a haircut?" Needless to say, I was crushed because I haven't gotten in cut in a few months and I am trying to grow it. Nothing worse than being told that your hair looks shorter when you are trying to grow it. For those of you that dont' understand, I envy and possibly hate you. ;)

We did have our little holiday gathering this past weekend and it went great, or so I was told. I will probably never be convinced that a party I throw is a success because I am such a harsh critic of myself. Anyways, our friends were awesome and brought us alcohol and made the party great. They ooh'd and ahh'd over the right things that made me feel good about my home and they didn't get the slightest bit upset when my vodka and tonic loving husband passed our rather early. Great great friends and we are lucky!

The true test of any party is having another one and seeing if people come to that one! Then again, everyone that went to our wedding said it was one of the best and I certainly couldn't see that because I was too busy 'hello-and-goodbye-ing' our guests. I'll take everyones word that is rocked. It makes me feel good.

To make this post that much more rambling let me just add that I have only two finals left and actually met people downtown today for a mini-study session. I was only there for an hour or so but it was more than I would have done if I got home right after work! I really should get an 'A' in this class and if I don't it would only be out of pure laziness. One day(raising my fist in the air) I WILL graduate from WSU. (....and then I will continue on towards my masters for the next 20 years....)

Christmas is only 14 days away and I have been racking my brain to think of the ultimate special gift for Jake. I can think of creative 'perfect' gifts for absolutely everyone else. Seriously, even if I don't know the person that well, I could think of a seemingly 'perfect Christmas wish gift.' Just not for husband. Hmmm..... He has mentioned things or I have mentioned things but then it isn't the Christmas miracle of gifts. Even if I dont' get it this year, I will be thinking year-round so that one day I can present him with the perfect present. I believe that I tend to be over-wrought with gift buying anxiety because in the past when I have felt that I have given a really well-thought gift it has turned out to be a dud. I'm not referring to Jake, mind you. He is the perfect recipiant of any gift. He claims it to be the best and tells everyone about it. Exactly what you would ask for in a receiver of a Christmas gift. I still think that I haven't captured the actual dream for him though. One day!

No other news really. Devon is due in 15 days and I am already on edge to get the phone call! Aunt Amanda will be in overdrive the minute I get the call. I have been a little aunt-ish with the Leach kids and would be moreso if I wasn't afraid I would over do it and freak them out! Jack will have it from the start and won't know that his aunt is crazy until he is old enough to chat with friends!

Ok the meandering and sometimes witty(i hope) blog is done! Let me just pray that they dont' take my internet away at work or I will surely die of boredom.

Under Pressure

2006-12-08T07:38:00.000-08:00

Though it is common knowledge and no one that knows me is ever shocked to hear me say it-I must! I am SUPER STRESSED right now. Yes-yes I am always stressed. It is just moreso right now.

Christmas is looming and I felt pretty confident that I would be able to wrangle some extra cash to get gifts for everyone that I should. Not everyone that I want to because that list would be uber-long. Anyways, as Jake and I both got paid yesterday I tried to budget everything out and plan what we would spend on the party this weekend and such. Jake knows how much I stress and understands that I must plan out where each dollar will go so I can sleep a little easier.

This morning he sent me into near a panic when he tells me that he took out an extra 20 from our joint account. This was not planned for and not in my budgeting. He certainly could have a 20 for whatever but he needed to let me know first! I need to know where it is coming out of and adjust accordingly. It isn't that I am a control freak as much as I am a worrier. Jake is a 'fake' worrier. By this I mean that he worries but doesn't really get why I need to plan alleviate worry. Real worriers would understand this. Plans are the world to worriers.

It has been a long-running joke with my old and dear friends that I can NOT just go with the flow. I really wish I could but it is just not possible. Going out with anyone must involve a time, gameplan and estimated wrap up time in my mind. This isn't a particularly fun way to live but again, it helps me feel a little calmer. While I dont have to eat dinner at exactly 6 or anything OCD like that, I can see that I must start being a little adventurous.

Certainly when I have kids I will have to learn to go with the flow because you can't control everything a baby or child does to the degree that I like to plan out my day. Plus, I really hate being that kind of friend, therefore I know that I definitely don't want to be that kind of mom. I already am that kind of wife but am getting better at explaining to Jake that I am trying. I am trying to not be all weird and thrown into a tailspin by random deviations from 'the plan.'

Maybe Ironically, if I want to be all 'spontaneous' and just have unplanned fun I have to know that 'Saturday will be unplanned.' So you see? My unplanned days or nights turn into vague plans of being unplanned.

Do I need help or is this not an entirely horrible quality? I suppose that isn't something anyone else can really answer for me. It definitely comes in handy at times. I don't forget about plans that often, I don't mismanage time and run late pretty much never. I can get my work done super timely because I plan out how much time everything should take and then pad it a little so I can feel relaxed when I am done early.

Time to go-the next item on my list for the day is about to commence.

Happy Weekend!

2006-12-06T11:31:00.000-08:00

So the wonderful world of work is finally making me want to bash my head on my desk. Perhaps it is just my anxiousness for the weekend but I seriously can NOT work today.
I have written emails, blogged, made personal phone calls, looked for places to move(in a year?), read about celebrity gossip and read the news online. Intermittantly I have worked on various things. I seem to already be able to do all the work that is expected of me and still do mostly nothing allday. It may sound like a dream job to some people but when you do nothing all day it makes your days seem very very long.
The problem is that when I have nothing to do or the urge to do nothing, my mind starts going into overdrive. I think of how I need a house or how I need to go grocery shopping or how I need to get Christmas stuff finished or how I need to..... Notice the pattern? When I am bored and long for work to be over it also tends to mess with my sleep at night. Maybe because my mind isn't stimulated during the day so it isn't tired or something. I'm not sure.
Today has probably been worse because I know that I have class tonight so that means a long evening too. Well, that and the fact that Jake is at home sick. I therefore want to be home too.
Chemistry exam tomorrow and then just two more finals and I am done with the semester. I'm embarassed to type that as I should have been done with school some time ago and I feel a little old to be talking about semesters and finals. Oh well. Better finish than be embarassed when I tell everyone that I am a medical biller and NOT in school. That would be way worse. Not that there is anything wrong with being a medical biller. IT isn't for me is all. Not enough respect and not enough money. The two things I feel are the most valuable in a job.

Ok, I have put off working for far long enough. Actually, I'm going to go check my email and see if anything is new in celebrity gossip.

ho ho ho?

2006-12-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

As I have blogged and blogged about, I have been supremely excited for the holiday season to approach. Although I have touted the joys of the season I find myself faltering. It really shouldn't be about money but I find that when you have very little, it does tend to dampen some spirits. It isn't that I want much money for myself, it is that I would really like to buy some nice gifts for people and I can't.
Yeah, yeah, it is always said to 'make a gift' and that 'homemade gifts are the best.' Well, if I was super crafty or a really great baker I could probably come up with some cool homemade gifts. Because I am not, anything homemade from me would tend to look a little more 'I'm poor and threw something together.' Damn those crafty people!
I'm not really whining. I should be able to buy gifts for all the people on my list, just not the gifts I would like to buy. I would love to get Jake something that he really really wants and I never manage to think ahead and save money for it. It really bothers me. I just want there to be one Christmas where I can go a little crazy and he can be shocked and happy to see what I got him and he didn't know. He never really got spoiled as a child and while spoiling isn't necessary, it would be nice to spoil him just once. As it stands, he will most likely get a couple of gifts that aren't particularly special but something for him to open. I am thinking of a couple of ways to scrounge up a few more bucks on the sly for his gifts. We'll see how it goes but the best gift of all would be seeing his face look compeletely baffled by the fact that I was able to get him things that he didn't expect or couldn't figure out where I got the money. It would be great.
Just writing about this is helping with my Christmas spirit a little. Maybe I will go and pop in a Christmas movie such as Christmas Vacation and drink some egg nog. That should cheer me or at least make me laugh.

I want a new drug

2006-11-28T10:04:00.000-08:00

It is practically decided. I am going to venture on the path to a new look!

Sure I have constantly said that I was going to do something crazy with myself and even if I did, I would change it back pretty quickly because the novelty wore off. NOT THIS TIME! I am bound and determined to grow my hair out to a shiny 'Meg White-esque' length and perhaps incorporate some short bangs. Granted, this growing of the hair will take a year or two but I must maintian my conviction. The minute I get to an ugly phase of the hair growing I give up and chop it all off. NOT THIS TIME! I will deal with it and put it in little clips and laugh about the horrors of getting a new look.

To round out the new hair style I have decided to adopt either a rockabilly sense or just go full-out yuppie. I am currently closer to yuppie than rockabilly but I have hopes that my inner cool person will shine through. I'm always one of the people who have great ideas on how things would look but is too chicken to just do it to and carry it out with the confidence I should have.

I have only lost 50-55 pounds as of today so I must up that number by at least 20 in the coming months. Sad as it is, I have this image of who I will be when I decide to finally graduate college and start a family. Until I have something in place I won't be happy. I'll feel like a failure. Perhaps hard to understand but I have to get there mentally before I can get there physically.

In truth, I have been tempted to pay the ridiculous amount of money that hair extensions cost just to see if my image is worth it. Actually, I would totally pay the money for extensions, I just will never have the will power to save up 500 bucks for hair extensions. I just wouldn't allow it.

Ok, now that I have blogged and blogged about my 'dream' look we will see how long before I either give in to my urges to go off-course or how long it will take to get there. Today is November 28,2006. The countdown starts now.

Let Us Give Thanks.........

2006-11-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I am still here so that is something....

Jake and I started our long weekend by hanging out with Steve and Joy where we seemed to get on each others nerves by merely breathing. Maybe it is playing any sort of game together. Jake and I just get beyond annoyed with each other when we are competing, even in the minorest of ways-I'm talking Scattegories. Oh well, when we got in the car I asked him what the deal was and then it was over. I am really happy that we don't really 'fight' and can just admit that we were being jerks.

Anyways, Thanksgiving was spent at my grandpas 100+ degree house. Always fun but I must remember to wear a tank top when going there. We had to be sneaky and leave a door open when he wasn't looking. A rather small group was there for dinner, ahem, i mean lunch(1:30???) and then we played a game and talked. It was nice. As we were sitting around bullshitting my uncle looks at me and says(judgingly??) :

"you don't really drink do you?"

This doesn't seem like a loaded question but it is. Well, in my family drinking is not just a sport, it is just what you do. Always. Any situation is appropriate for alcohol. I am not mad about this but this question should reflect the importance of the drink in my family. For someone to notice and comment, in front of everyone? I do actually drink on occasion but can't all the often due to stomach surgeries that I have had. One drink equals like 5 to me and then I go from sober to trashed. No middle ground- nice buzz. Not always fun! I am really thankful for this because I think that alcoholism runs in my family so I am not all that attracted to having a drink attached to my palm at all times. The problem I am pointing out is that this makes me a square in my family. It is also common for them to drink and get quite inebriated and then laugh about how they dont' know how they got home. I really really really dont' find this funny. I find it nauseating. If I try to talk about it say, to my mom, I am treated as ridiculous. It is maddening. It is attitudes like that which make me want to never drink in front of my family just to prove a point. It isn't necessary to have fun.

Now that I have whined about this I am sure I do come off a little edgy but I'd rather be edgy than a drunk. People act like you can have a big sit-down with family members and air your feelings and then hug it out. That shit just isn't realistic for about 99.9% of families that I know. You can almost never explain your worries or concern without causing some sort of family drama. Or you are butting into things that aren't your business.

Well, with all that said, I really want to set forth a new motion-let's spend holidays with people we actually WANT to spend time with! Zany though it is, why do we do this? Why do we sit with people we love but don't exactly like? WHY??? Just to say that the holidays were 'okay' instead of 'WONDERFUL!!" why??? Ok, i got completely off track but that's okay!

salt in the wound

2006-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Let me just add this: after the overly generous gift of a mini box of chocolates, I get a memo that we are all to donate money for all the surgeons Christmas present. I can totally see that if I were given a bonus, i'd have no room to argue. I am only going to give the 2.99 that was spent on my box of candy. I know I sounds bratty, but damn, they know I am poor, they are the ones who pay me(in chocolate!)

Shit and Sunshine

2006-11-22T05:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, Well, I had a rather topsy-turvy day yesterday.

Actually, it started the night before.....

Two nights ago I was watching T.V. with Jake when I suddenly notice that I am no longer just chewing on the food I put in my mouth. No! I am chewing on pieces of my back molar. Nice. So I take a minute to be thankful for the fact that my dental insurance actually starts the very next day and I try to forget about it.

The next morning I call and get in at the dentist which equates to my having to take a half day at work. Ok-not that terrible, except that I get to the dentist to find out I need a root-canal/crown deal. I have pretty awful teeth so I'm not surprised and just happy I have insurance and won't have to look like white trash with missing teeth. (sorry to anyone who has missing teeth and are offended-but it is justa self-image thing)

During the whole appointment I am just eager to get home because my furniture was delievered in the morning and I can't wait to see it! I had a feeling of foreboding the entire morning but I tried to brush it off as my normal worrying. Well....can you guess? I get home and I notice that they sent the wrong chair. Of course. I try not to cry because I know it will get fixed one day in the distant/near future(its relative) and I have jake call the powers that be to arrange the correction. It will be at least another 8-10 weeks for the correct chair to arrive. Grrr!

At this point I am suffering from a swollen aching cheek/mouth and frustration due to my utter disappointment that my living room will not be the swanky envy-inducing room I had pictured. Ok. Perhaps my pride needs a little reining in.

There were two bright spots in my otherwise dark day. I found out I got a raise...nothing crazy but still enough to make me feel good. My sweet younger brother contributed $100.00 to the grocery fund so I was able to go to Kroger last night and replenish our cupboards for $92.00, so I was happy. (kroger has some awesome deals right now..)

When I got to work today(a half an hour early to help make up my missed dental time) I get a couple of envelopes from my boss. She smiles and tells me that the envelope marked 'confidential' is just that and I should keep it under wraps. I agree and after she walks away I open it and it just states my new pay rate and wishes me a happy holiday from the surgeons I work for. It comes with a mini box of chocolates. Apparently because I wasn't even here for a full 90 days when they wrote it up, I only get a box of chocolates as my bonus this year. Normally if you are an employee that has been here under a year you get a $50.00 gift card and then after a year you get a week's pay. I guess because my 90 day probationary period just ended I only get chocolate.

I kind of feel this is a slap in the face considering that I did just get a raise prior to my 90 day anniversary. So I am a good enough worker to reward with a raise earlier than most people but I also dont' deserve more than chocolates? Yeah, yeah I should be grateful. But I'm not. I'm disappointed that every little victory I achieve comes with a blatant downside!

Ok, "Pity-fest 2006" is over for now! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!(is this me being ironic?)

Wow

2006-11-19T14:52:00.000-08:00

The weekend has once again sped by and left me wondering where the hell all the time went. It doesn't seem like we did all that much and then on the other hand it feels like we didn't stop until we hit our pillows.

We had gone over our friends house on Friday evening and hung out with their family. Every time we are with them and their little ones we are reminded of how anxious we are to start our family. Once again on Saturday we had to go to their house for a fundraiser for BAMN and then again on Sunday we were there for their youngest child's birthday party. Needless to say, we pretty much felt like we never left their house all weekend! It was fun and I am sure that Steve and Joy are not eager to have a housefull for a while.

So while the weekend was not entirely restful, the upcoming week shouldn't be too bad. Jake and I only work from Monday to Wednesday. It will be nice to have a long weekend and we don't have that many plans. Just getting our Christmas tree and decorating it are the big plans we are excited for! Saturday night Jake is hanging out with his friends so I will have no excuse to NOT work on my research paper! That is it for my plans this week! Pretty damn nice! I know that a few of our friends wan to go out to a bar on Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, but I know right now that we do not have the funds for that. Sure, it doesn't seem like it would be that expensive but it will easily be at least a $50.00 night. We sure don't have the cash for that right now. It isn't like we are so extremely poor that we can never go out, be we are so extremely poor that we can't go out during the holidays! I would rather buy some presents than go out and spend money on drinks.

Our furniture is going to be here on Tuesday morning between 8am and 12pm as long as JC Penny doesn't let me down. I can't believe that I will have a place for people to sit. Several months is a long time to have to share a love seat every single time someone wants to sit down to watch some t.v.

Well, I had had high hopes for this blog but it has turned out to be rather dry and laden with pointless info. Oh well, maybe my next post will be a little more thrilling or at the very least, enjoyable!

I + 1

2006-11-15T09:02:00.000-08:00

During any sort of learning process it is known that you should use the input that the learner already knows and teach them something that is just above what they currently know. The theory is called, I + 1....i have learned it in conjunction with Second Language Learning, but I feel that it can be used across the board in regards to learning. That said.......

I am training for my new position today and for the next couple of weeks. Not terribly exciting and the job itself won't be too hard and certainly will not tap into all the knowledge I have hopefully absorbed in my looong college career. While I can tell that the job, once learned, is not difficult, I dont' feel that they are teaching me the new skills in a constructive way at all. It will take me twice as long to learn the programs as opposed to if they used the technique i described above. They should take what I currently do and know and build on that. Not just throw several computer programs at me and expect me to not feel overwhelmed by the amount of steps it takes to complete something pretty damn simple.

This is always where I fear my mouth will hurt my career. I am sorely tempted to explain a better method for these things and show how it could improve things around here. I don't get the impression that training or management tips would be desired or appreciated! Now, I dont' mean this in as negatively a way that it will seem but:IT SUCKS TO FEEL AND BE SMARTER THAN MOST OF YOUR COLLEAGUES AND UPPER MANANGEMENT!! I feel that I should have known that this would be a problem considering that most of the people here are not educated and this is their CAREER. Not a decent job to get them through college or to gain experience.

Ok, now my little blog on learning techniques has turned into a rant on work. Not interesting, not fun so I shall stop!

No Point Really

2006-11-13T08:02:00.000-08:00

Well after my trip to Bronners a couple of weeks ago I have been dying to decorate for Christmas which is really unlike me...
So Saturday, instead of doing dishes, I dragged Jake to the basement with me and we brought up the boxes of Christmas decorations. Granted-I do not have my furniture yet or my coffee table but I had to do it. Our place looks even more warm and fuzzy with the Yuletide cheer prevading! I still think I want to buy a couple more things, like a centerpiece for our dining table and coffee table. I'm ridiculous. I'm having a minor shindig at our place in December with all of Jakes Friends and our furniture will be here(!) so I am excited for people to see my home! Again, I don't even recognize myself as I write all this. I normally despise any Christmas talk or decorations until after Thanksgiving but suddenly I am the frickin' ringleader! Ahh!
On a great note, got a suprise phone call on Saturday that said my furniture would be delivered the week of Thanksgiving. Thank God!
On another note-I think I may have had my first migraine yesterday but I'm not sure. I couldn't walk I was so dizzy and just buried my head in my pillow to block out light. Tylenol did not help at all. It could have just been a bad headache. Who knows? Luckily it is gone today and I can go to class and work somewhat efficiently.
*To make everyone gag even further my Christmas cards are all written, addressed, stickered and awaiting the Christmas Stamps I must go buy sometime in the next week or two

Oh Snap!

2006-11-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

I have decided that I probably lead one of THE most boring lives ever. Apparently this not-so-startling revelation just occured to me though it should have been obvious for years. Perhaps I knew and wasn't ready to accept my lameness.

Believe it or not, this isn't a whiny post but more of a blatant example of when a blog can be useful i.e., ramblings.

My realization hit me today as I told Jake to take a friend to the Red Wings game instead of me going because I didn't feel like it. Not too odd for most people to have a night where you really would rather stay home. This isn't a rarity for me. I can be really excited about something and then right before decide that I don't really want to go or don't care about it anymore. Like it is too much effort or something. I am sure that I have always been this way but it seems to have gotten even worse lately. When I was younger and in a Sorority I would be famous for suddenly backing out of the various events claiming a stomach ache, cramps, migrane(i've never had one), stress, my parents divorce, etc. Just about any excuse whether true or not was used to get out of things. My friends knew I was lying and they tolerated it but hardly.

As I have said, I still do it today but am trying to be a little smarter about actually committing to things. Then again, I am invited to fewer things by my friends who still go out a lot because they just figure I won't go anyways. Shock almost always shows on their face when I actually show up for something like a bar outing or something beyond a 2 hour committment. It is really the proverbial 'double-edged sword' as it were because I feel so lonely when I am not asked to join in on something and then rue the damn event for taking place when I don't feel like going. Maybe this is why I am afraid to have an actual party at my home. Maybe people will be like me and not want to come last minute and I will be devasted. I absolutely hate this trait. I know that Jake gets exasperated by it too. He will get into something that I talked up for days and then I will cancel.

This isn't to say that I do this every time I make plans (obviously or you'd never see me!) or that when i do cancel that it isn't for a legitimate reason. As I said, I try not to commit to something I think I may bail on. I hate disappointing and hurting my friends. I just feel bad sometimes, like I am a bad person because I don't always want to go to things that most people are exited to do. Perhaps this is seeming especially negative because I am in a lonely, pitiful mood that doesn't lend itself to much more than introspection.

I don't know if some of this comes from some anxiety issues that I have that haven't been dealt with or what. I went and talked with a psychiatrist about my anxiety issues and she wanted to see me 2-3 times a week! Ok, even with insurance who can swing that? So I said goodbye, made an appointment and then called and canceled it a day later. It isn't that I am nervous about going to events that I come to dread, I dont' fear them going wrong, I just plain dont' want to go. I just wonder if the anxiety and this issue are related in some deeper-level way. I'm not too sure.

i think i will

2006-11-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

Last night it was decided that Jake and I will go on a mini-holiday in February. Our excursion will be centered around the lovely city of Chicago! We're both really excited to have something to look forward to during those dark boring days of winter. February seems to be the time of winter when everyone starts to suffer from cabin fever so it seems like a good time.

It should prove to be an interesting trip as we have only been on one vacation together before and it was our honeymoon. Neither one of us had been to Mexico before, thus we didn't have any competing opinions about what we should do. We wanted to do everything. Chicago will not be the same, at least not how I forsee it. I think we both may have different ideas of how we like to vacation. My tastes vary but in general I am the type that would like to do it up when I am on vacation because it is supposed to be enjoyable, not stressful. Jake is up for whatever and doesn't mind staying in a seedy hotel or dining at tourist traps the whole time. I do love this about him because he really isn't hard to please and that a good time is almost guaranteed to be had by him. I am the problem. I want to stay at a swanky hotel and dine at swanky upscale restaurants and shop like I have money. It's a sickness, I know. Don't get me wrong, I want to check out a museum and go to a tourist-y dinner but in general I hate looking like a visitor. I had hopes of staying at the 'W' hotel or maybe the Drake but I have decided on the Westin. It is about the same in price as the other two I mentioned but right in the center of the areas i want to be. Namely, the shopping.

I have booked the room and felt that I had to do it now or I wouldn't commit to the trip and then end up being pissed that I never get to go on trips! We are both pretty excited and now February seems pretty far off! It would be fun with some friends too but maybe Jake and I should see how vacationing together actually goes! It should be especially fun because I have been to Chicago many times and slightly know some things to do and he has only been there once about 10 years ago! He is all about going to Mike Ditkas restaurant. See? Easy to please. If we did nothing else there he would be thrilled. Not a bad deal considering he likes to shop with me!

The only decision left is whether we are going to drive or take the train. The train would be nice but then I am in the hands of others. Eh...I have time for that!

REALLY??!!??!!

2006-11-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

As I have often stated, I have been anxiously and impatiently waiting for my new couches to come in. I called today because I was supposed to receive a call last week to set up a delivery schedule and I never did. The customer service Rep I talked to today told me that the couches aren't even in yet! That is not what I was told 2 weeks ago! 2 weeks ago they were being shipped to a warehouse near me! Now, they aren't even near the warehouse! I am just a tad frustrated! The rep told me that next week the couches would be shipped and then it would be another 10-14 days for it to be shipped and then I would receive a call!
I JUST WANT MY FURNITURE!!!!
By the time I get anything for people to sit on, I will be moving again! I was talked into ordering couches from JCPenny and not from a pricier place and apparently I am paying for it now with my patience. I would have rather had a really expensive couch with no coffee table or chair. At least I would have had it by now. It should have rung some bells in my head when I had to write 3 different checks to pay for my 3 different things even though I was ordering them and paying for them all in one day!
Ahhhh......

YEA!!!!!

2006-11-07T11:19:00.000-08:00

As I was working today the manager from the department that is correlated with our pulls me aside. Let me say that I really like this woman and had mentioned to her that I hoped to work for her at some point. Anyways, she tells me that she told my current manager that she wanted me in her department and now I am promoted(?) to patient accounting and in charge of medical-legal matters in our company. I am trying to make sure I am seeing the big picture, but I think it is a great thing considering that I have only been here for just under three months(my 90 trial period isn't even up) and I am being stolen by another manager! I was a little ballsy and asked if it came with a pay increase and she said it won't happen immediately because she is still fine tuning the details, but it will happen. I didn't want to press and ask how much! The new duties won't start until I have trained my replacement, who hasn't been hired yet, and I am trained up a bit in the new areas. I am so excited but can't call anyone to tell them because I am not sure if it is hush-hush for now....
Another plus-she told me that she wanted me in charge of med-legal(don't entirely know what that is yet) because she you had to be a smart person adn she didn't want some idiot on the phones with the lawyers! It is always nice to hear that your supervisor thinks you are 'not some idiot' so i'm psyched!She also told me that she suspected that I would end up taking over patient accounting...so yeah, I am not trying to brag-which I am, I am just really excited that my hard work is paying off for once! Yea! ok, I am done boasting, sharing, etc!

2006-11-07T08:30:00.000-08:00

Yes! Jake and I did make it to Frankenmuth and spent silly amounts of money that we do not have on silly amounts of Christmas Decorations. I know it wasn't smart or responsible of us but it happened and we are excited to decorate! I must say this- what in the world is the purpose of Frankenmuth? I don't get it. Chicken dinners and a Christmas Store?! That is all I have gathered as far as reasons people go to 'Frankenmuth.' These two items could exist without a city or place centered around them. I don't get it. Maybe a Frankenmuth Enthusiast will enlighten me. I think I will just plan on going again in 10 years when I forget how pointless it is! We did have a nice time taking a long ride together and getting to chat and laugh about ridiculous things!

The much hyped 'Swanky Holiday Bash' will most likely not occur this year. We did decide on our long trip that maybe spending hundreds of dollars on liquor that perhaps we are better to just have some friends over for a super casual get together and still be able to buy loved ones Christmas presents. We hope that next year we will have enough foresight to put a little cash aside for the swanky event that won't dip into Christmas funds. It really doesn't need to be that expensive, but when you want to do it up right and it falls before the most expensive holiday of the year-you have to make some choices. Oh well, I still have the hope for an event that will be loved and become an annual tradition, until then, we wait!

Ok, I will have to actually put a more thoughtful post up when I am not so swamped at work! (Man, do I sound grown up!)

Long weekends

2006-11-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

For years, well practically since I started working, I have had to work on the weekends. I longed for days of doing whatever it was that other people did on the weekends. When Jake and I got married we both had to work weekends and just dreamt of a time when we could enjoy a couple of days together doing various household and life chores. The time has come with our recently acquired jobs. We both love the fact that we are making more money and have our weekends to ourselves. WAIT A MINUTE! That is the big joke that no one ever lets you in on. While you are toiling away for years longing for a saturday and sunday of sleeping in and doing 'whatever' everyone around you just nods sympathetically and tells you that it sucks having to work on weekends. Well, I am beginning to wonder. On the first few weekends we had together we felt blissful. We went to the farmers market that was held at the end of our street every weekend in the summer. We had no clue because we were normally at work. We felt like we had won some magical prize that was uniquely special to us. We shopped together, did various errands that felt like fun and we even slept in beyond 6:30am. Then it started and hasn't let up since. Every weekend there is a new 'must' go to event that has drained much of the fun out of the weekend. I'm not talking about the little things like birthday parties or showers. Those are fun and something we look forward to. No, I am talking about the 'family gatherings' or the 'help us do this' events that turn a peaceful saturday into a day of dread. Perhaps we should learn to say, "Sorry, can't make it" but then we feel like we are being sneaky jerks!

We haven't skipped out on anything yet without a real, legitimate reason. The time is coming soon where we may just have to put our collective feet down. I'm not talking about shutting ourselves in for the weekend and only emerging to get the mail. I'm moreso talking about telling our parents, "sorry, we have a life and cannot have it revolve around you anymore." Sounds harsh but even though it has been ages since we have left the womb, our dear dear parents feel as though anything we do must not be nearly as important as what they want us to do. Sigh....

Well, next weekend can be a test. I dont' think there are any plans at all on Friday night especially now that Jake has had to drop his friday night class. So right now Friday is clear. Saturday is clear but on Saturday night there is another family obligation that just may find itself on the wrong side of our 'must do' list. Sunday we have a birthday party that we are looking forward to going to and that seems like a big enough plan for the weekend. A birthday party and leaving the rest up to chance. That is my idea of a weekend. Just a hint of structure and the rest is up to us. I am hoping to make this be the plan all weeklong. Normally around Wednesday I start to lose my cool and commit to things before I really think them through and then bemoan my foolish mouth and saying yes when I really mean no. Wait, am I talking about plans anymore?

That said, we'll see if I can't refrain from asking any acquaintance the following question "so what are you doing this weekend?" this always turns into making plans or having to awkwardly lie about what is going on in your own schedule so you don't commit to anything else. Always seems to be an innocent question but it always seems to lead to plans! AHHH!

Ok, I am done with my babbling on plans. I'll see you all this weekend. ;o)

Someone had me a knife

2006-11-03T12:46:00.000-08:00

As callous as I sounded in the previous post that I didn't care what I got on my exams as long as I pass, well, evidently I do care because I am bummed. In my class, THEORIES OF SECOND LANGUAGE ACQUISITION, I received a C on my exam....um, not that great. This has caused me to debate even futhur if I want to finish school. I will, of course, because I am so close to being done. I just don't have the energy to care anymore. I pose this question:

Would anyone actually know if i lied about having my degree? DO companies actually check? I doubt it.

No, I will not be a liar, but I want to be.

what kind of person are you?

2006-11-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract artsy people! Those free spirited artists with great imaginations find you interesting. They are usually interesting themselves, so its not a bad thing, but they CAN be a bit wifty and choose odd goals. If you like life to always be a bit 'different' from the norm, but not too extreme in any one direction, these are the people for you. If you seek logical decision making skills and good money management, you may want to change something in the way you appear. Artsy people are fun for adventure and exploring, so, have fun! (smoking weed helps too)
You attract Yuppies!
You attract geeks!
You attract models!
You attract unstable people!
You attract rednecks!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

hmmm....

Do I need to be restrained?

2006-11-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

A few of you may just want to slap me after you read this.
I am thinking of kidnapping my husband and taking him to Bronners Christmas Store in Frankenmuth! I know!!! I can't help it, I feel drawn to Christmas decorations this year. The only way it doesn't happen is if I decide I would rather go to the Birmingham Garage Sale tomorrow with Devon. That sounds like tons of fun too, but for some reason the call of personalized Christmas ornaments keeps beckoning me! Ok, I'm done with the Christmas talk, you can all calm down!
I bought the best thing ever yesterday!!! I know that I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself. I stopped at an antique shop near my house that I have been dying to check out. It is only open from 12 until 5pm wednesday-saturday. Who can fit that in??? Finally I made it after work yesterday and fell in LOVE with a chair I saw there. Normally I would not make such a purchase without considerable debate but I had to have this. Damn! I lost my digital camera and can't take a picture to show it off but I will describe for you all to envy-
It is a sturdy 1960's wooden chair with a woven-type back(forgive my furniture description skills) and it is painted black. The seat is upholstered in this awesome ecru/black leopard print. Now, I am NOT one for flamboyance but this chair is just awesome. It will probably be the only thing in my living room that is outlandish in any way, shape or form. I was/am so excited and I half expected Jake to flip when he realized that I just went and bought a piece of furniture without his opinion BUT with his money! Luckily he loved it and now I want my couches to come in even more because I am dying to have people over to say they love my decor decisions. Even if they don't they must lie because I am sooo in love with them. I will never want to leave my living room.
Okay, as soon as my couches and coffee table come in I will be posting pics because I am proud of my first 'adult' room. It wont look like a 'my very first apartment' living room anymore! Don't get me wrong, some people have awesome first apartments, but when Jake and I had our first place, well, it was pretty sad!
Have a great weekend!

Let it Snow!!

2006-11-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

You know, people tend to get mad when it snows a little prematurely but I love it! I can't help it, but come on, we know it most likely won't even build up. It usually just melts when it touches the ground! It is so pretty and reminds me of Christmas. Really, Christmas is my favorite time of the year and not only because of the presents. I think it is because there seems to be so much hope in the air. Sure, that's cheesy and maybe not true. It feels like that to me and if that is something that makes me smile, then so be it!

I really want this Christmas to be special. I don't know why I have such high hopes for this year. Again, not just the gifts! Maybe it is that Jake and I have our own little haven away from the cold and snow. Living in the upper flat just seems cozy to me and I dont know why! No one can see in our place and with the hardwood floors and windows that get frosted it just seems so wonderful. I get a little nervous when I am this excited for something because I tend to build things up so much in my mind that I almost inevitably get disappointed. This year we shouldn't be as broke as years past so we will be able to give gifts to our loved ones and feel that we got something they may like and we are proud to give.

The Swanky Holiday Party that I want to host should be on December 9th, but I better hurry up and start planning. I just dont' want to go so crazy on the party that I cut myself short with present money. Hmmm...I'll have to decide quickly on how I feel about this. Invitations will have to go out shortly!

Well, sorry if comments on the weather and upcoming Holidays sent anyone into a panic but I just can't help but get a little bit of Holiday Cheer. That said, if the girl in the next cubicle decides to play another Christmas SONG today, I may just kill her. That's a little overboard.

WEB MD

2006-11-02T05:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had to skate out of work a whole hour and a half early to go to a doctors appointment. The doctor who did my surgery, Dr. Krause, requests that his patients come in for frequent check-ups post-op. At least for the first year. Let me note that the best thing about this doctor is that he looks like Niles Crane from the T.V. show Frasier. I like this man way too much based on this fact. Because of my love for a television character I overlook anything I may not like in my doctor. This may be an issue if he was my primary care doctor but I only really see him for periodic maintenence at this point but I digress....

So I do my thing and get into the little room waiting for him to come in. The assistant weighs me and I have only lost 5 pounds in the last 2-3 months. Not such a great thing considering that I should have only plateaued for maybe a month at most. Ok, whatever, I suck. I tell him I understand that I must get the weight moving again and then he asks me about how often I work out. This is a MAJOR factor in losing weight, as we all know, and I have failed miserably at achieving even a mild routine involving movement. I tell him that I surely do work out almost every day by going on walks and doing Pilates. Um, lies. We both knew I was lying, but frankly, I couldn't be judged even more than I was for not losing weight. I just wasn't in the mood. My laziness has caused me to blatantly lie to a health care provider that only wants me to lose weight. Not such a crime. Blah Blah Blah. Jake found this highly amusing which in turn made me feel not so bad.

To the more interesting part of the appointment-I asked him if he would give me the go-ahead when I was allowed to get pregnant. He looked at me kind of shocked. I thought this was weird considering that I am 25. Prime child-bearing years. He tells me what I already knew-Most people are recommended to wait at least a year and a half after surgery to get pregnant. I knew this but hoped that he would have bumped it up or something. I was stupidly hopeful. Sure, he and I both want me to lose more weight first, but it is a little sad to me that I have to wait until I am 27. A year from now is when I am 'allowed' to get pregant. I guess it isn't that far away but I feel like I am going to be the only person with a baby and everyone else is going to have older kids and, oh i dunno. I am probably just sad because I want a baby now and no other answer would have made me happy, even if I know that it would be better healthwise and financially for us to wait. That said, next fall is going to be all about getting pregnant come hell or highwater.

On another note, two exams next week and an outline with 10(!!) sources for a research paper all due. This means my weekend is going to be spent researching and studying just enough for me to scrape some b's and c's. I don't even care about a's anymore. This 'A' student has given up and just wants to get the fuck out of college. Kind of ridiculous really when you think of the fact that I would like to be a college professor. I swear it though, if I ever do become a professor or T.A., I will always give my students at least one day of no class in the middle of the semester, just to be nice. It is soo easy to get burnt out by November.

Ok, I have been at work for over a half and hour and I should start working.

Second Thoughts

2006-11-01T06:34:00.000-08:00

Ummmm, there has been a lot of talk about babies and my wanting one. Considering that two of my closest friends are experiencing motherhood(in different stages) it would seem only natural that I would start pondering my own future as a mother.

It has been no secret at all that I want to be a mom. For as long as I can remember I just wanted to grow up and have babies and be a mom. Of course, even at the wise old age of 8 I knew that was not an appropriate response for todays 'liberated' woman and I would say that I wanted to be a lawyer or politician when asked. The adults would chuckle but at least they thought I was a girl with big plans. It has only been in the last couple of years that I have realized that saying that I want to be a mom and have my days revolve around my family is not such a horrible thing. What better way to prove that I am a success than by raising happy, well rounded children? I really can't think of a better validation of one's life. Now, that said, why do I still tell people that I want to be a College Professor? I suppose that since I will most likely have to work to help support my family, a college professor would be my ideal job. Really though, why don't I just say that I am getting my education for myself and that I hope to not have to use it in a 'professional' capacity at all? I like to think I am proud and comfortable with how I feel but clearly I am still dealing with my own prejudices. A part of me does think that a woman should go out and conquer the world and run major companies and shake things up. Just maybe not this woman. I would be fine just shaking up the PTA or shaking up my family if I were able to homeschool and really make a difference in how my children will see the world.

Such a huge battle in my head about this, probably viewed silly by some because I am not even pregnant yet, but I can't help but think about all of this. Will Jake and I be able to raise our kids how we want to? Meaning-will I be able to stay home and watch my babies or will I have to pay someone to spend those precious times with them? The thought of someone else watching my furture child's first step or listen to their first word just kills me! It is enough for me to rethink having a baby until we can afford for me to stay home. The danger in this is that we may never make that much money. We may never be able to have that option. Do I forgo a family all together? I would hope not. Just how much am I willing to compromise when it comes to me and my family?

Like I said, maybe it seems silly to contemplate such things before I am pregnant. I think it would be silly to not think and plan these things beforehand. Sure, it will all work out, but will it work out in a way that will make most of us happy? That is probably the biggest question I am raising-how much can I leave to chance and then be happy with the results?

First Entry, again

2006-10-31T11:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I had tried to open a journal and then I came back to it and it didn't exist anymore. Hopefully this one fares much better. If I try to log on again and it doesn't work then I am giving up on this 'blogger' site and will just be faithful to my livejournal system.

So here goes.......

It seems as though there has been a lot of changes in my life lately that aren't necessarily huge but when combined are making me re-evaluate some things in my life. It really isn't that I don't want to be friends with certain people or I want to cut anyone out of my life completely. I just don't want to deal with the bullshit of some people anymore. Isn't that what being a friend is all about, you ask? Well, maybe. But maybe that is the true test of whether or not you are truly interested in being a friend to someone. Do you want to deal with their bull shit as well as their great qualities. Surely most of us would say absolutely if we were to think of specific friends. Then there are others who certainly don't seem worth the effort. I know that this sounds heartless, but I don't think so. Really, I think this is how most people feel and are just too afraid to balls-out admit it. Actually this doesn't even have to only include friends. Certainly family memebers can fall into this category.

What got me thinking about this is was a conversation I had recently. Both the person I was talking with and myself had been/are in situations where we are 'friends' with someone we feel guilty about just ending relationship with. At what point do you amicably cut your losses and move on? This isn't to say that there weren't good times with this person or that you wish them ill will. You just dont' have the energy to keep the farce of a relationship going. It seems clear that both of you feel that way and yet nothing is done. The relationship is just stagnant and only adds stress to all parties involved. Seems cold, odd, sad, etc. You pick an adjective. I tried to cut ties with a person that was good friend for a few years. At times, almost my 'best' friend. Our lives changed and I just plain didn't like her anymore. It was getting petty with silly backstabbing and lies when all that needed to be done was a clean break. I wrote this person an email(chicken?) and suggested, or rather, told her that I thought it was better if we just left our friendship where it was and move on. I didn't get into anything bad but stated that clearly this was a toxic relationship that neither of us was benefitting from. I blocked her email once I sent it so that if she wanted to respond I didn't know and could make the break official. Well, over a year later she re-entered my life and has been in it since. Not nearly in the capacity that she once was. Now, more of a social accquaintance that I can talk to and enjoy a conversation with and leave it at that. It is really nice. Do I miss the times when we were close? Sure. Would it ever be like it was before we were both married? No.

I suppose my point is that it seems silly keep people in your life that don't make it better in some way. I just can't figure out the way to make it work and not be hurtful for anyone involved.

More later, I should actually work today.